1. Cheesecake Factory
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    We'll all die one day. Sooner, if we keep eating massive portions of Southwestern Chicken Pasta at Cheesecake Factory.
  2. Buffalo Wild Wings
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    You played QB in high school. Oregon wanted to draft you until you got Samantha pregnant senior year. Now you're the assistant manager at a Jiffy Lube and your kids hate you. Chase those memories of what could have been away with some Jamaican Me Jerk wings.
  3. Olive Garden
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    No one told you what life would be like when you left the service. The terror, the screaming, the unrelenting pain. But you know what's a constant? Soup, salad, and god damn breadsticks.
  4. Fuddruckers
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    Depression is real. It follows you you like a shadow wherever you go. So take your depression to Fuddruckers and treat it to a cherry Coke. Maybe then you'll feel better.
  5. Panera Bread
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    Your wife left you for her yoga teacher. The kids are in town for their monthly visit. Even YOU can't screw up a hearty bowl of Zesty Tomato Bisque from Panera.
  6. TGI Fridays
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    You used to be popular back in high school. Now? You can't even talk an off duty cop into a sloppy hand job in the ally behind that Chili's. Drown your sorrows in Mozzarella Sticks flavor-blasted with new Jack Daniels BBQ Explosion sauce.
  7. McCafé
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    Your sister lives a glamorous life in New York, surrounded by beautiful people at that magazine she works at. YOU never left Akron. Gain the caffeine buzz you need to cry in a Hallmark store with a delicious McCafe salted caramel coffiato.
  8. Souplantation
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    You just got out of a 19 hour shift in the coal mine. Nothing else in town is open. And then you see it: a gleaming white building, mocking you, laughing at the soot on your face. You get a bowl of beef stew and try not to think that this life may one day be your son's. For @T
  9. Red Lobster
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    Your father died on that fishing boat. You swore on that day that you'd never eat at Red Lobster again. But something drew you back. Something inescapable. Three sweet words: Cheddar Bay Biscuits. You pray your father can't see you from his watery grave as you tear into them like an animal. For @janetanne
  10. The Daily Grill
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    It is neither good nor bad. The Daily Grill just is. It exists and that is the nicest thing you can say about it.
    Suggested by @Nicholas
  11. Chili's
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    Everyone at the bar is drinking alone, drowning the memories of failed dreams. Just like you. Order some queso and salsa -- it's bottomless. Just like your life's trajectory.
    Suggested by @sally
  12. Hooters.
    You're gay but your hunger is so real and you get 2 orders of the buffalo style shrimp bc they're so tasty and you try to make honest conversation w the waitresses but they're like what are you doing here, really, and no we do NOT have the seasonal Reese's peanut butter cup cheesecake are you some kind of animal.
    Suggested by @jansonebwoodlee
  13. The Melting Pot: A Fondue Restaurant
    Dip into something different!
    Suggested by @tothemaxxx
  14. Applebees
    I believe it's the Native American word for 'smells like vomit'
    Suggested by @gilbaron
  15. Subway
    It's a restaurant, right?
    Suggested by @sarahschussheim
  16. Texas Roadhouse
    The butter buns are unlimited, like the potential you used to have. You can always fake your birthday for some attention. Too old for the free ice cream, though.
    Suggested by @alien
  17. Yoshinoya Beef Bowl: "nice to know ya."
    Suggested by @erindeezy