#brands I Would Be Great at Natively Advertising

Brands, please send money
  1. Charleston Chew
    E.g. "Jack, what should we have for dinner" "I don't know, fellow human, perhaps an entire case of Charleston Chew? It's the only chew with real chocolate flavor." "Oh, cause I was thinking Sushi..."
  2. Golden Road Beer
    E.g. "I wish there was a beer that tastes great without filling you up." "Surprise, fellow son of Adam. A new bread has been created with just those properties. It's for sale in stores now."
  3. Nike
    E.g. "Boy are my feet tired. If only I had the revolutionary lunarlon technology from Nike beneath me. Then I'd have the power and mental fortitude to concur the Serbians"
  4. Imodium
    E.g. "I'm tired of pooping my pants six times a day. Imodium gets it down to a much more reasonable four."
  5. John Wick on Blu-Ray
    E.g. "When I'm feeling blue, I open a beer, take off my Victorian undergarments, and sit back to watch Keanu Reeves' 2015 masterpiece John Wick, available on Blu-Ray at retailers near you"
  6. Tylenol PM
    E.g. "Battle the encroaching darkness of sleep using Tylenol PM, the only painkiller that gives you sleep-based superpowers."