Creation Myths

90% accurate
  1. Christianity
    God was all like "Let there be light." Then Jesus rolled up in a Ford F-150 and refused to marry two men to each other. Everyone got eaten by lions.
  2. Judaism
    Yahweh asked a whale three times to eat some dudes. The first two times, the whale refused. The third time, however, the whale was super hungry, and agreed to do it. The tradition lives on to this day.
  3. Islam
    Nothing controversial happened.
  4. Buddhism
    Siddhārtha Gautama was super into water parks, but there weren't any good ones in India. He ventured to Raging Waters in San Dimas, CA after being visited by two American high school students. He achieved his final deathless state, leaving his body in the wave pool. It was shut down for two months, eventually becoming Buddhism's holiest shrine
  5. Protestantism
    The king of England LOVED fucking. But the Catholic Church was like "Nah, bra." So he made up his own religion and fucked until his heart stopped. His life is enshrined in Chaucer's medieval epic "Fuckin' Problems," recently made popular by A$AP Rocky and 2Chainz
  6. Sikhism
    Waheguru said a word and the universe was created. The word was "Enchirito"
  7. Ancient Greek
    Uranus ate all his kids. Then they murdered him and banged each other. True story. Look it up. We teach our kids this shit.
  8. Scientology
    In the present day, L Ron Hubbard watched "Going Clear," and traveled back in time to make sure the religion of Scientology never existed. However, he wound up becoming the father of the religion by trying to stop it. TWIST!