- •ChristianityGod was all like "Let there be light." Then Jesus rolled up in a Ford F-150 and refused to marry two men to each other. Everyone got eaten by lions.
- •JudaismYahweh asked a whale three times to eat some dudes. The first two times, the whale refused. The third time, however, the whale was super hungry, and agreed to do it. The tradition lives on to this day.
- •IslamNothing controversial happened.
- •BuddhismSiddhārtha Gautama was super into water parks, but there weren't any good ones in India. He ventured to Raging Waters in San Dimas, CA after being visited by two American high school students. He achieved his final deathless state, leaving his body in the wave pool. It was shut down for two months, eventually becoming Buddhism's holiest shrine
- •ProtestantismThe king of England LOVED fucking. But the Catholic Church was like "Nah, bra." So he made up his own religion and fucked until his heart stopped. His life is enshrined in Chaucer's medieval epic "Fuckin' Problems," recently made popular by A$AP Rocky and 2Chainz
- •SikhismWaheguru said a word and the universe was created. The word was "Enchirito"
- •Ancient GreekUranus ate all his kids. Then they murdered him and banged each other. True story. Look it up. We teach our kids this shit.
- •ScientologyIn the present day, L Ron Hubbard watched "Going Clear," and traveled back in time to make sure the religion of Scientology never existed. However, he wound up becoming the father of the religion by trying to stop it. TWIST!