Disneyland's Jungle Cruise Tour, as Given by Someone Who's Very, Very Sad

  1. Hello, everyone. I'd like to welcome you aboard the world-famous Jungle Cruise. My name is Dan, and I'll be your guide into the unceasing horrorscape that is my life. Also, we'll see some animals and shit.
  2. Go ahead and have a seat. Or don't. Who cares. We're all going to die someday.
  3. Now, let's everyone turn around and wave good-bye to those people on the dock we've left behind. Come on folks... pretend like you're having a good time. For the love of God, please do it. I really need this win.
  4. If you look to your left, you'll see a family of happy monkeys. Notice that the daddy monkey loves the son monkey, and isn't constantly reminding him that being an amusement park tour guide "isn't a real career."
  5. Do you guys hear that? It's the sound of everything you've ever regretted, constantly reminding you of your inadequacies. Oh, look, parrots!
  6. And just ahead, you'll notice an alligator playing with an elephant. That's something you don't see everyday. Well, I do. Because every day here is the same existential limbo, over and over.
  7. Over there is what we call the Indiana Jones Adventure and the Temple of Why Didn't I Finish College?
  8. Feel that mist on your faces… Don’t worry, that's just me, crying anguished tears.
  9. We're approaching the gorillas! Now please, if you're wearing yellow, don't make any noises like a banana... it drives them ape! They find it very appealing. Unlike Sharon, who said she wouldn't date me, even if I was the last man on earth.
  10. God I disgust myself.
  11. How do you tell the difference between the male and female Zebras? The males have black and white stripes and the females think that everything I've ever tried to achieve in my life has been a colossal embarrassment.
  12. Here's a little advice. Never play poker in the jungle, because there are lots of cheetahs around. If they say they're not a cheetah, then they're probably just a lion. Like my parents lied to me when they said I could be whatever I wanted when I grew up.
  13. There's old Trader Sam, head salesman of the area. Business has been shrinking lately. He's probably underwater on his mortgage, too.
  14. And now, probably the most dangerous part of our journey- the return to a word that doesn't care about you!
  15. As we approach, please notice that there's a dock on the left, and a dock on the right. But don't let it confuse you. It's a paradox. Just like how a man so full of life could feel so dead inside.
  16. Well folks, I hope you all enjoyed your trip around the jungle. I had such a good time- I'm going to go again! I don't know how much more of these I can do...
  17. We hope you enjoy the rest of your day here at the most magical place on earth.