Essays I've Pitched To The New Yorker's "Shouts and Murmurs"
@newyorker still waiting to hear back.
- •"I'm Just Like Bruce Wayne, Only If His Parents Were Murdered By Cigarettes And Poor Life Choices."
- •"Who Does A Guy Have To Fuck To Get FAO Schwartz To Re-Open?"
- •"Yelling 'Lloyd' and Crushin Puss: My Year as Entourage's Intern."
- •"One Time I Ate Fifteen Pounds Of Pulled Pork And Then Puked: A Haiku"
- •"I Have Met Satan, And He Is A Times Square Elmo."
- •"We Regret To Inform You That Your Daughter Is A Hippopotamus, And Other Tales From Taking Mushrooms At Med School."
- •"I Went To Collegiate, You Ignorant Peasant. Of Course I Want Fries With That."
- •"New York Is Essentially The Third Character In This Love Triangle."
- •"I Ate Andy Borowitz To Gain His Powers."
- •"How Writing A Parody Account For A Fabric Store Taught Me The True Meaning Of Christmas"