Essays I've Pitched To The New Yorker's "Shouts and Murmurs"

@newyorker still waiting to hear back.
  1. "I'm Just Like Bruce Wayne, Only If His Parents Were Murdered By Cigarettes And Poor Life Choices."
  2. "Who Does A Guy Have To Fuck To Get FAO Schwartz To Re-Open?"
  3. "Yelling 'Lloyd' and Crushin Puss: My Year as Entourage's Intern."
  4. "One Time I Ate Fifteen Pounds Of Pulled Pork And Then Puked: A Haiku"
  5. "I Have Met Satan, And He Is A Times Square Elmo."
  6. "We Regret To Inform You That Your Daughter Is A Hippopotamus, And Other Tales From Taking Mushrooms At Med School."
  7. "I Went To Collegiate, You Ignorant Peasant. Of Course I Want Fries With That."
  8. "New York Is Essentially The Third Character In This Love Triangle."
  9. "I Ate Andy Borowitz To Gain His Powers."
  10. "How Writing A Parody Account For A Fabric Store Taught Me The True Meaning Of Christmas"