How to Break Up With Someone, if That Someone Is a California Grizzly Bear

  1. Chose a location that's public and neutral
    Don't dump her at the salmon spawning grounds or that tree she likes to scratch herself on. You want to be somewhere where the bear won't cause a scene
  2. Ease into delivering the news
    Bears are terrified of sudden, shocking changes to the status quo. Use low, growling tones while you say your piece
  3. If she reacts poorly, raise your arms above your head to appear taller
    The bear might think you've suddenly grown, and will be challenged by your authority
  4. If all else fails, run
    You WILL get eaten, but for a few glorious omens, you'll think you've actually gotten away with it