Monologue Jokes

  1. A Miami doctor was arrested after a video of her physically assaulting an Uber driver was posted online. Her bail was set at 1.5 times the normal rate due to surge pricing.
  2. Rapper Macklemore has released a new song titled “White Privilege.” In response, Kendrick Lamar released his new song, “No Shit.”
  3. Fifty thousand dollars in bull semen was stolen from a California farm this week. The thief can’t wait to celebrate, but kind of wants to brush his teeth first.
  4. Super Bowl 50 is being played in two weeks. The game is fifty years old, giving it a longer life expectancy than anyone who’s ever actually played football.
  5. Winter Storm Jonas hit the East Coast this weekend, bringing with it power outages, traffic accidents, and, on Monday, an alarming shortage of home pregnancy tests.
  6. A Saudi cleric has decreed that chess is “forbidden in Islam” because it’s considered a form of gambling. However, he reversed his position when he heard Bobby Fischer’s thoughts on Israel.
  7. A British man must give police 24 hours notice if he plans on having sex. When reached for comment, the man said, “Oh, I don’t need that long.”
  8. Tinder now has built-in features to help users find the nearest STD testing center. Users can go in for a test, then promise to get it breakfast and never see it again.