The Totally True Story of How I (Accidentally) Ruined Christmas for Courteney Cox's Daughter

  1. My first job in LA was as an office PA for the show "Cougar Town."
    I was incredibly excited to be there. I did all sorts of glamorous things, like diving into dumpsters to find discarded receipts, or driving our production coordinator back to the lot from the strip club at 4:30 on a Thursday afternoon.
  2. Our incredibly sweet EP, Randall, came by the office and asked if I'd play Santa Claus at the show Christmas party.
    Or, as he called it, "Santa Waz." I liked to think that it was my sparkling personality and general jolly air that got me the gig, and not the fact that my 22-year-old self resembled a morbidly-obese Germanic demi-God.
  3. I was sent to wardrobe a few days before the party for a fitting.
    Not going to lie, it felt pretty great. People on the show actually knew my name! For about 15 minutes, I was actually treated like a human being. It meant a lot.
  4. Day of the party, I get dressed in a beautiful Santa suit in the rafters of one of our sound stages.
    The idea is that Santa would make a grand entrance down the staircase and all the kids would cheer. What they didn't count on was my wig obscuring my vision to where I was legally blind. I've never been more scared of a staircase in my life.
  5. I make it to the bottom, and see the set-up. It was amazing.
    A ball pit, bounce house, arcade games, Border Grill Truck, and I can't enjoy ANY of it because I got roped into being Santa the entire party.
  6. I do the Santa thing for about an hour, and it's going pretty well.
    All the kids (and some of our drinker accountants) sit on my lap, I make sure to replete everything they want for Christmas to their parents, etc.
  7. An hour goes by, and everyone's over Santa.
    I'm getting hungry, too. So I head over to my boss.
  8. I ask my boss if I can take a break and actually enjoy the party.
    He was drunk enough to say "of course!"
  9. I walk outside, grab a quesadilla from the Border Grill Truck, and bring it inside.
    I'm STARVING at this point. NOTHING is keeping me from eating this quesadilla.
  10. I take off my beard and hat and take a bite of quesadilla.
    It was everything I ever wanted.
  11. I hear the sound of a child shriek, and then "Santa's not real!"
    I whip my head around. The fuck is happening?
  12. Courteney Cox's daughter, Coco, is sitting there with her finger pointing directly at me, screaming.
    So we're Bill Lawrence's kids. And the rest of the cast's. @busyphilipps sorry if your daughter saw this too.
  13. Bill Lawrence's mother comes up to me, hits me with a rolled-up piece of paper, and tells me the various ways in which I'm doing my job wrong.
    It was quite a list. Though, to be fair, I was never taught proper Santa etiquette at Emerson.
  14. Our producer gets on the PA system, saying "Santa's gotta go back to the North Pole, kids!"
    I run behind a bounce house, laughing my ass off.
  15. I strip to my jeans and t-shirt, walk out, and drink the rest of the night.
    Our writers were sitting next to the kids. I'm not sure I've ever seen people laughing harder than they were.
  16. I was not invited back the next year.