Things Donald Trump Could Do That Wouldn't Prevent Him From Being the Republican Nominee

  1. Take a literal shit on the Bill of Rights.
  2. Chase Angela Merkel around the UN while shouting "Ahrooooooooogah" like a horny cartoon wolf.
  3. Eat thick, Texas-style chili out of Lincoln's skull.
  4. Rename Trump Taj Mahal "The David Duke Center For The Eradication Of Diversity."
  5. Sucker punch Pope Francis.
  6. Make a sex tape starring himself and a swimming pool full of hundred dollar bills.
  7. Call veterans "The biggest collection of pussies I've ever seen."
  8. I can't think of any more jokes. This whole thing is genuinely fucking terrifying.