Top College Scandals, Week of 11/9

  1. Princeton University
    Students demand firing of Dean of Students Kathleen Deignan following revelation she's not really 1/16th Bengal Tiger as stated in her biography.
  2. Dartmouth College
    Student activists demand name-change of Dartmouth's annual winter "Christmas is awesome and all other religions can suck a fat one" party.
  3. Penn State University
    Football players unhappy they are no longer allowed to hunt professors for sport.
  4. UC Santa Cruz
    Protestors angry that Banana Slug mascot forced to sing in English at sporting events, rather than in it's native tongue.
  5. University of Notre Dame
    Some wacky Catholic shit.
  6. University if Wisconsin - Madison
    Freshman outraged at canceling of requirement to drink entire 6-pack of Blatz Light before attending first class of the week.
  7. University of the Pacific
    Student government furious to find out University is located in Stockton, rather than a city that isn't a dumpster fire.
  8. ITT Technical Institute
    Seniors dismayed to learn their education wasn't for the future, but rather for the distant past.