1. "I believe the first amendment protects me from having to learn what falafel is."
    Static
    Dale, Heterosexual Wedding Cake Baker
  2. "Tammy DeMico turned me down to prom junior year, so I kind of have a thing against women."
    Static
    Drew, Privilaged
  3. "I always wanted a candidate that matched the wisdom of 4Chan with the restraint of Kim Il Sung."
    Static
    Travis, Police Sketch
  4. "I'm really a part of the lizard-people conspiracy that wants to take over the world, and boy oh boy is this guy good at ushering in the apocalypse."
    Static
    Christine, Herpetologist
  5. "Who HASN'T said potentially career-ruining things to Billy Bush on the back of a bus?"
    Static
    Jayden, Astrology Enthusiast
  6. "I like that he's open and honest about his utter disdain for anyone that's not himself."
    Static
    Carl, Assembly Line Robot
  7. "I ran over a gypsy who was a huge fan of "The Apprentice" and got cursed to vote for him this election."
    Static
    Marvin, Realist
  8. "I mean, it's not like he's going to shoot himself in the dick eight or nine times before Election Day, right?"
    Static
    Angelo, Vaper