What Products Will Apple Reveal on Wednesday?

Apple has a massive product launch scheduled for Wednesday. With China's economy on free fall and Apple Watch tanking, what new products will Apple introduce to turn it all around?
  1. Rose Gold Apple TV
    You know, for tacky people. $499.99
  2. IOS Guts
    Finally, an Apple-branded operating system for your insides. $1599.99 a month, or they'll "flip the switch." Totally worth it for in-retina push notifications
  3. My Lil' Wozniak Doll
    Comes complete with good nature and feelings of betrayal. $14.99
  4. Apple Sundial
    The "5C" version of the Apple watch. Requires solar energy. $299.99
  5. 5 inch MacBook Pro Retina
    The smallest screen ever on a MacBook! 8 trillion PPI, on a laptop that can fit in the pocket of your skinny jeans. $1768.99
  6. Apple Cars
    Like Uber, but native to the iTunes ecosystem. $18.99 per mile
  7. Safari Platinum
    A whole new web browser for premium users. Get faster d/l times while hobnobbing with other early adopters. Comes with a sticker for your car to show others how you spend your money! $945.99 annually
  8. iPup
    A corgi with an iPhone 6 taped to it. $2000
  9. Apple Store Home
    A 200 square foot, fully functional Apple Store, permanently attached to your living room. No more waiting in line to purchase a new phone! Starting at $14999.99
  10. iPhone 6s
    The same phone as last year, except they stuffed this one full Adderall. $399.99, requires prescription
  11. Genius Bar nutrition log
    Apple's Soylent. Made out of recycled Apple Newtons and yeast, these are the same bars that Apple salespeople are required to eat eight times a day. $59.99/two pack