Mom's been crying since this morning. Is it your fault? Yes
  1. Because you only got into Harvard, not SuperHarvard
  2. Because she dumped Derrick Jeter for Dad
  3. Because it's JUST. SO. BEAUTIFUL
  4. Because your father, Zeus the Thunder God, hasn't visited since she was a maiden faire
  5. Because you left the car keys inside the dog
  6. Because she found the porn that you were projecting onto your bedroom wall in a 24 hour loop
  7. Because you ate the family pet
  8. Because she remembers much better time in her life, before you were born
  9. Because you dumped her on prom night
  10. Because Minions opened at #1, beating out her passion project Self/Less