Words My Girlfriend Used to Describe Cookies I Baked

I tried baking chocolate chip cookies today to surprise @Nikki. It... didn't go well.
  1. (Walking in the door) "It smells like burnt cookie in here"
  2. "Unfit for human consumption"
  3. "There's so much egg! What did you do? Poach an egg and put it on top of the batter?"
  4. "It tastes like you had all the right ingredients, but no idea what order or ratio to put them in"
  5. "There's a lot of butter in this bite. It's not right"
  6. "Are you sure you baked them for the right amount of time? You did? Then how did they end up like this?"
  7. "Did you follow the directions on the package? Are you sure, or are you lying to me?"
  8. "You tried your hardest. And that makes it even sadder how much you failed"