Guaranteed or your money back
  1. Aquarius
    Avoid large bodies of water, as a shark will spend the next 7 days trying to devour you in any way necessary
  2. Pisces
    Treat yourself to a Charleston Chew. You deserve the silky smoothie taste of nougat and milk chocolate. Charleston Chew: the official candy bar of horoscopes
  3. Aries
    Your crush will call you this week, asking you to no longer show up at his place of work or during family weekends. You're starting to freak him and his wife out
  4. Taurus
    Take a risk! Max out your credit cards buying a jet ski. The banks can't catch you if you're flying across the waves like a Demi-God of old
  5. Gemini
    You're going to poop an egg
  6. Cancer
    You know what no one does anymore? Take the time to appreciate fine craftsmanship. Rectify this by making out with a wooden bear statue outside a public park
  7. Leo
    You're box office gold, baby! Make that explicitly clear by pouring molten gold onto a Paramount executive's car while laughing
  8. Virgo
    What ever happened to that boy you used to have a crush on at summer camp? Help the police by searching for his body near his last known location: the summer camp where you first fell in love
  9. Libra
    Buy bras. All the bras. Be swimming in bras. And then, when there's a global bra shortage, guess who comes out like rich uncle moneybags
  10. Scorpio
    Sure, the enemy agent infiltrated your volcano lair, but maybe let the guy go with a warning. After all, he IS dreamy and British
  11. Sagittarius
    For a festive way to spruce up your apartment, sacrifice a goat to the pagan gods
  12. Capricorn
    There's a whole bunch of episodes of "Ballers" taking up space on your DVR. Spend the next week watching them instead of eating, drinking or sleeping. Dwayne Johnson is all you need to stay alive