THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF FOR ANCIENT GREEKS

  1. 1.
    Denial - Your daughter is stolen by minotaurs. You're sad because you believe her to be raped and eaten but actually she joins the tribe of Argonautitus the Steadfast and ultimate marries her half brother which isn't cool either. You don't believe the messenger when he delivers the news so you put a stake in his eye. His mother is a witch. Uh oh...
  2. 2.
    Anger - the witch gets really mad. She lives on an island fortress and commands an army of cyclops centaur. You're now also mad about the whole Minotaur thing.
  3. 3.
    Bargaining - you can't Bargain with the witch because she's already turned you into a herd of pigs with human hands.
  4. 4.
    Depression - you decide to wage war against a nearby city state to see if it will make you feel better
  5. 5.
    Acceptance - it doesn't. You accept the fact that you're a pig with human hands and retreat to live in the desert eating truffles for the rest of your life. Your daughter mistakes you for a regular pig and kills and eats you, fulfilling the prophesy revealed by the witch a hundred years previously and everyone lives happily ever after.
  6. 6.
    Death - the end. All men die, but do all men truly live? - Braveheart