GREAT SCIENTIFIC AND DEFINITELY INTELLIGENT THINGS I'VE SAID TO DOCTORS AT MY ANNUAL PHYSICAL

The annual physical: where doctors caress all your body with wires and metals and gels and you get to ask/say stupid things to fill the awkward silence.
  1. On the upper GI X-ray: I understand I need to drink this barium. Is barium a carb? I need a yes or no.
  2. On the ultrasounds: Judging by the people you've scanned today, don't I have the best looking liver? It's probably top tier. Like, top 10% right? I mean, I didn't drink at all this week.
  3. On another scan: Oh my god. I can see inside me. This is too intimate. Are my insides amazing-looking? Please be honest.
  4. On the radiologist saying my stomach isn't expanding and I need to drink more Sprite: What if I'm just really skinny and have a tiny, dainty stomach?
  5. On the my eyes being 20/20: So I'll continue having to wear fake hipster glasses to look serious in presentations?
  6. On the stress test: for people my age, at what level do they reach 85%? Tell me so I can just beat that number.
  7. On Doctor telling me there is no number to beat and there is no competition: Well, that's just crazy talk.
  8. On annual physical exams in general: It's not called an exam for nothing and I need to be told I excelled on this. I crammed so much wellness last week and I better get an A. That's a health level, right?