How to Nail a Job Interview
for the socially anxious young lady
- 1.Leave two hours early to beat traffic. Arrive an hour and a half early.
- 2.Take care of some errands.Chances are you have some things to take care of. For example, you might purchase a fitted sheet at bed bath and beyond, or, if you don't have an interview-appropriate outfit, now would be a great time to buy one.
- 3.Now you have an hour to kill. Eye the surroundings: is alcohol easily accessible?Yes! It is. You have two options: a dive bar and a PF Chang's. choose the PF Chang's because the other place looks genuinely shady. You're not shady. You are legit. You have a job interview. People with interviews go to PF Chang's, don't they?
- 4.Sit at the bar patiently until 5:00pm.Put on a sweatshirt so that the business men in their late fifties stop looking at you like that.
- 5.At 5:00pm, order something from the happy hour menu. I've said this before, but well scotch is never good so get a vodka cranberry or something like that.Enjoy this drink. Relax a little. Casually wonder if you're an alcoholic maybe. Half your friends say you might be and half your friends think you're hilarious and naive for even considering this about yourself. Decide that a vodka cranberry at 5pm literally never killed anyone.
- 6.Drink it while you try to be inconspicuous about reading Catcher in the Rye.You're trying to adopt a YA-yet-literary voice, and this is a great example.
- 7.Watch that one commercial where Mindy Kaling does a bunch of cool and quirky things. Come to terms with the fact that you may never know what the commercial is for.I think it's just for being on fleek.
- 8.The older business men are joined by other men who look like their fathers. Or grandfathers. They're talking about stocks and you are getting tipsy!! Um hi just because you are a girl doesn't mean you can't have stocks. Buy stocks? Sell stocks? Be in stocks? Wolf of Wall Street?What is your job interview even for?
- 9.An elderly couple sits in between you and the stock men. This is great because you do need to know what your interview is for so that you can nail it.Oh, it's for writing about nail polish? Sounds hard, you better start reading your flash cards.
- 10.Put on some makeup, wonder why this job interview is happening at 6pm. "Dear Prudence" by The Beetles comes on and you are still in PF Chang's and it feels like maybe there was something in your vodka cranberry.The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful, and so are you.
- 11.Pay your bill. Break open your fortune cookie that says:Cute bumblebee! That is you, about to take flight. Apparently to the east.
- 12.Interview time!! Congratulating bb, you're good to go. So proud of you.