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Z27w

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Star Wars, Explained by Me

I've seen all the Star Wars movies but I have never been able to pay attention. I've tried many times. They seem like cool movies tho. Spoiler alert! (But only if you live under rock).
  1. First of all, this is a movie about people in space but don't get confused, it's NOT about the future. It actually takes place 'a long time ago'.
  2. Second of all, these people all speak English even though they've never even been to planet earth. So. That's weird.
  3. Third of all you have to read an essay before you watch the movie for some reason, and for some reason it's written in like very basic Geneva font or something like that
  4. Back in the day little queen Natalie Amidala is on an island or a planet idk and she meets Aniken Skywalker who is a little pilot boy. They fall in love and grow up together or something.
  5. Cut to: the 1970s where Princess Leia's home planet alderon is destroyed and she's like I'm going to join the resistance against darth Vader and the death eaters or something. Luke is a Jedi and Han Solo is like a cool guy who is a rebel but never shoots first.
    Except actually I think he does
  6. Everyone has a robot friend. Luke has r2d2 and Leia has c3po and Han Solo has chewbacca who seems nice and not really like a robot and darth Vader has that big slug who kidnaps Leia, and they're like these aren't the droids you're looking for, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
  7. Luke and Leia are starting to fall in love but then they are like no
  8. Leia and Han Solo kind of have a thing also
  9. They go to a cantina and Luke has to cut open a dinosaur and sleep inside its stomach to stay warm for some reason
  10. Oh also Luke always thought darth Vader killed his dad. So in an epic and famous scene he's like you killed my dad and darth is like no, Luke, I am your dad.
    Mind = blown
  11. This may or may not be when Luke and Leia realize he was both their dads and Natalie Portman is their mom
  12. Do you get what just happened?? It turns out aniken skywalker has baby twins with queen Natalie amidala but then he turns evil and IS darth Vader?!
    Mind = blown again
  13. So Princess Leia is kidnapped by darth Vader' #1 henchman Jabba Jabba the Slug. He makes her wear a golden bikini which is absurd because where would he have gotten a golden bikini? I mean, have you SEEN him? Boys all over the world loved this scene and that's like 65% responsible for rape culture.
  14. Han Solo rescues her because women don't know how to rescue themselves I guess
  15. Now it's the 2016 of 'a long time ago' and everybody is old but people are only mad at Leia for being old and not mad at Han.
  16. There's a new villain in town and it's—yes, you guessed it!—it's Adam from Girls! Except now his name is Rilo Kylie. If you thought he was a bad boyfriend just wait Til you see him as a master of the dark arts (?)
  17. There's Rae and Po and the main guy who's name I don't remember sorry. But he's cool and he used to be a storm trooper but realized he's a nice guy and we like him now that he's in the #resistance. can tell you that much. Also now there's lil bb8 who is a new robot.
  18. The big twist here is that Adam Rilo Kylie is actually the son of Leia and Han Solo. So carrie fisher comes out of a space egg and is like Han, go get our son back. So Han goes to try and convince Rilo Kiley to not be evil but this kid is fucked up so he pushes him off a bridge.
  19. I didn't see the newest one because the tickets my bf bought were 3D and also because it has nothing to do with any of the characters or stories I just told you about so why bother
  20. Aight that's my comprehensive knowledge on Star Wars