A letter to my ex best friend

Inspired by @drugs
  1. M-
  2. It's been over two years since we spoke, and I felt like I was pretending the whole time. It was at a birthday get together at a bar, for the one who we debated being friends with when she first came to our school.
    Neither of us liked her at first. The whole time we were friends, we stopped being friends with her two or three times. Then you would go back and I would follow. I ended up living with her and it was better than living with you.
  3. We met when we were three or four. I was naked. We fell in love through a fence in a crappy suburb.
    We would sometimes recount the number of years we had been friends. It got to about 15.
  4. I want to say I'm sorry for that time I stole your journal.
    I thought you were wiring about me and Ryan. I don't know what I was thinking and it still embarrasses me. I remember when everyone was looking for it at Liz's house that night and I remember when I finally gave it back to you at Gaby's... I wrapped it, right? Like a present. A shitty present.
  5. Things I hold in my heart from you:
    Forming our friend group in elementary. Being sad when you moved in 4th grade. Being happy you came back for 5th but confused and sad that you didn't seem as happy. Constant sleepovers. All the times you dyed and cut my hair. Walking around Carmel with a chain leash and fresh wet dye in our hair. stealing dumb shit from the mall. When I got my license and you were the first person I picked up that same day. That time your mom caught us sneaking out and lectured us awkwardly...
  6. Continued^
    Burning each other, your brother and his friend with a safety pin (scarification before it was cool and I messed up kid's)When you stopped eating meat and your mom didn't get it. Smoking salvia in a playground and that other time at a quarry. Drinking for the first time in a garage and you helping me up because I fell. When you moved to Chicago and I couldn't stop crying. When I visited you and we drank flask whiskey on a train and it felt so cool. When you came back and started school at Aveda.
  7. I hate
    That we both liked Ryan, and how a boy affected us. That I didn't feel like I fit in with everyone who stayed at Stephan's and Troy's, but I wanted to so bad because you seemed at home. That Matt would make fun of me to get a laugh out of you because he liked you. That Maria became your best friend and I don't know why. That day you asked me if I wanted to do anything with my life besides sit around and smoke weed all day.
  8. I hated
    Living with you. It was a mistake. I don't regret quitting my job, I don't regret my relationship at the time, but I always regret moving in with you. Because of the fucking dogs and because I failed you. When I couldn't find a job, it only got harder knowing how you then felt about me. I wouldn't leave our tiny room when you were home, because I didn't want you to see how awful I was.
  9. I can't believe
    I'm only just now realizing how much I really loved you, like more than my fucking parents. And how much it still affects me that I disappointed you.
  10. I still love you.
    And I know you're doing well in terms of career. But I hope you aren't still falling for jerks who don't appreciate you. You're dumb face is beautiful and I hate you and I love you and I'm sorry.