Requested by julianne

HOW I SURVIVE WITHOUT COOKING

Requested by roomie @jmic who watches, fascinated, as I continue to live without cooking a thing. (I'd like to stress that there are college students who eat like me bc they cant afford food bc tuition + cost of living is ridiculous and fucked up. {Destroy. Capitalism.} However, this is not my reasoning. I am simply a lazy fuck sorry 😕)
  1. Scam
    If Joanne the Scammer has taught us anything it's that you have to scam today before today scams you. Therefore, you have to look for the free food opportunities and TAKE THEM. Do I really give a fuck about this lecture on global climate change? Not really. But the atmospheric sciences department is catering from Jimmy Johns so from 12:00 - 12:50 PM you can call me Al fucking Gore. Best believe I'll be talking about carbon emissions like nobody's business on my way to get seconds
  2. Mooch
    My friends are so nice. Like really really nice, beautiful people. If they weren't my friends, this would just be an extension of Scam. But they love me so they feed me 💕 If I didn't have my friends with meal plans swiping me into dining halls, @jmic bringing me free food from work, other roomie bringing cookies from home, the friends who eat like birds and then offer you the rest of the burrito bowl, etc I think I would have died by now? Can't confirm, but a goddamn accurate assumption
  3. Compromise your values
    I can't tell you how many times I've pulled out my phone and followed a student organization on Facebook or Twitter in exchange for a free cupcake. Hell, sometimes I'll do it for a Laffy Taffy. A lot of times I don't agree with what they stand for but maybe I can get this free donut today and be righteous tomorrow, ya feel?
  4. Lower your standards
    Am I gonna put half this plain ramen in a tupperware for later? Yes. Am I gonna continue to eat these tootsie rolls sitting on the dining table from Easter? Fucking yes. The other day at a bus stop a guy was giving away free bags of chips to promote something and I couldn't tell if it was opened or not but I took. It. Anyway. Look, it's almost finals season, these are just not the times to turn your nose up at what is gonna sustain you
  5. Wednesday free community dinners at Uniplace Church
    Everyone is welcome and Jason the chef is BOMB yaaaas honey go and get you one of his country friend steaks at no cost and no effort
  6. Find the perfect one for you
    Mine is the one in Gregory Hall. Always has a very good variety of chips, candy but also pop tarts, cookies, cinnamon rolls, etc. We're soulmates. Find your vending machine. Love your vending machine. Become one with your vending machine.
  7. Have no regrets
    This is not for the weak. You obviously can't live this lifestyle if you don't FULLY COMMIT to being trash. My way is NOT healthy and will likely shorten a lifespan by 10-12 years. Embrace it or go another route
  8. Break the rule for eggs
    I will cook the shit out of some eggs. Breakfast, lunch or dinner. I buy a carton of 18 a week. Doctors say my cholesterol is almost medically impossible