My dad

A nonsensical snippet of generational blackness
  1. I love my dad a lot
  2. Lately, I've been feeling resentful of his stances on life
    Like every child ever
  3. But today we had a conversation that made me feel better
  4. He told me, "I know it doesn't seem like it now, but one day you're gonna get tired"
  5. By tired he means tired of activism and being outwardly, constantly pro-black and revolutionary
  6. The last time he gave me this talk I just cried
    I'm very emotional and I was very hurt by this
  7. But today I didn't cry and instead pushed back, if only a little, and said "You really think everyone gets tired?" in a very meaningful way
  8. He back tracked
  9. And went into his own life experiences
  10. About how growing up radical seemed pointless because the people around him in the hood were so apathetic
  11. In some ways, in the way he explained to me what he meant
  12. it felt like I could see him making excuses for himself
    Not in the way that *I* interpreted it as an excuse, but in the way that *he* was telling himself something and justifying something to himself
  13. I recognize the mental, emotional and physical toll that it takes to be black and aware
  14. I wonder if my dad's generation talked about mental health and race as much as we do now. It's not even enough now, but it's being talked about more and more
  15. My dad made his life the best way he knew how
  16. Black people are under a special kind of duress all the time and I'm starting to recognize the mentalities that are picked up in order to just cope. In order to just FUNCTION
  17. And today I talked back. I told him my vision of the world. And I know sometimes he just sees me as a young person with steam, but today I felt like he saw me as a person who wants change just as much as he does and understands better than he thought the obstacles that are in place on the road to getting there
  18. I know that we are not in a place to have revolution. But I believe, as Angela said, that we have to keep working like we're gonna see the end. Even though in our hearts, we know we're not
  19. He even said sometimes he feels bad knowing he's "playing the game"
  20. And I know he does and I really wanted him to know that I don't think he was wrong for it even though sometimes I resent him for it
  21. At the end of the conversation he briefly joked, "You gon get me activated again"
  22. That made me feel good. Like maybe he saw it, saw what I see everyday, what he maybe stopped seeing
  23. I believe in a better world. I believe in it so much.
  24. I think my dad is afraid for me getting tired and the sadness that comes with that. I think secretly he hopes that I'll never get tired