REASONS WHY A 1&1/2 YEAR OLD BABY IS MY MORTAL ENEMY

Karl is small, but he knows what he's doing.
  1. He spent the first 6 months of his life being cute and harmless and easy to babysit.
  2. When I returned the next summer he was a demon from hell.
  3. This has me convinced that the first time around he was just learning my weaknesses.
  4. He is always demonstrating "power moves."
  5. Like once I walked in and he smiled at me from his high chair.
  6. Then, without breaking eye contact, he threw his bottle on the ground.
  7. And I had to pick it up.
  8. And he watched as if to say, "That's right. You work for ME."
  9. He likes to steal my keys and then lose them.
  10. He loves to steal my phone and then lose it.
  11. He puts everything he finds on the ground in his mouth.
  12. Probably so he'll catch a disease so his parents can blame me and then fire me.
  13. His best friend is a giant chocolate lab named Duval.
  14. They conspire against me, constantly.
  15. Karl always eats Duval's dog food and Duval gets mad and I have to deal with it.
  16. Duval always eats Karl's cookies and Karl gets mad and I have to mediate.
  17. Karl and Duval both have stupid names.
  18. Neither of them realize this, nor care.
  19. Karl likes Drake better than Kendrick Lamar.
  20. His mom is convinced that blankets will strangle him so I have to put him in a "sleep sack" for naps.
  21. Karl HATES the sleep sack.
  22. He only likes to play with his lawn mower toy on concrete.
  23. He is not a TV person.
  24. His favorite toy truck is a red pickup.
  25. Coincidentally, this is always the one that's lost.
  26. Every single one of Karl's poops is ridiculously explosive.
  27. I can't prove that he does this on purpose.