THAT TIME MY DAD MET MY STONER FRIENDS

It was horrible
  1. I'm not a stoner
  2. But I have stoner friends
    Of the hipster variety. Particularly one who we'll call Ben
  3. Ben was gonna pick me up to go to a concert
  4. The timing SHOULDA BEEN perfect because my dad goes to bed very early
  5. And I like to plan things so no one has to interact at all
    My dad's real strict. Hates all guys in my life and there really haven't been that many. Friends, acquaintances - he's suspicious of all of them. So you can imagine his wariness of this particular set of friends.
  6. So my dad starts going upstairs to go to bed.
  7. I say goodnight.
  8. And at that exact moment Ben pulls up in the car.
  9. There are two unknown guys in the car.
  10. My dad sees this out the window.
  11. He gives me a look.
    I told him it was gonna be just Ben and I. To be fair, I didn't know he was gonna bring these dudes.
  12. My dad warily says goodnight. He goes upstairs.
  13. Close call.
  14. I hastily go outside.
    Let's just get the fuck out of here.
  15. Ben starts to get out of the car.
    Why. No.
  16. Ben says, "I have to pee."
  17. He is high.
  18. Me.
  19. "Ughhh, fine c'mon."
    We go inside.
  20. AND GUESS WHO'S NOT ASLEEP?
  21. Father.
    He's making coffee. WHY ARE YOU MAKING COFFEE RIGHT BEFORE YOU GO TO BED DAD????
  22. Now they have to interact. 😑🔫
  23. "Hi, Mr. Renfro."
  24. "Hi, Ben."
    They have actually interacted before because Ben is one of my childhood friends. But it's never great because my dad always asks about what he's doing and he's not really in school and he's in a band and works at Jimmy Johns and my dad doesn't really respect that or whatever
  25. "Ben just has to pee..."
    I try and shove him toward the stairwell so they can avoid talking...
  26. But then the door opens.
  27. And unknown white dude #1 comes prancing through my door.
  28. I am horrified because:
  29. He is white.
    White dudes are not to be trusted in my dad's book based on his life experiences and how the world works in general. I don't actually disagree with him. White dudes are crazy.
  30. HE JUST CAME INTO MY HOUSE WITHOUT KNOCKING OR ANYTHING???
    That is not a custom where I'm from.
  31. He is wearing sunglasses and doesn't remove them when he comes in.
    AKA, he's high.
  32. Me.
  33. Ben says, "This is Larry!"
    WHY LARRY WHY
  34. Larry says, "Hi! Can I use your bathroom?"
  35. Ben says, "Yeah, after me," and heads downstairs.
    First of all, it's not your fucking house Ben.
  36. SO NOW IT'S JUST ME, MY DAD, AND THIS UNKNOWN STONED WHITE GUY IN MY KITCHEN.
  37. My dad is clearly upset he ever agreed to let me out of the house.
    He won't even look at me or Larry, refusing to acknowledge his presence.
  38. I try to make small talk with Larry.
    It goes poorly. He goes to the community college near us. He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. Which really doesn't mean anything at all to me but has all sorts of negative connotations to my dad.
  39. BEN TAKES FOREVER.
    We've run out of things to say to each other. I start physically sweating.
  40. Larry sort of offers to go downstairs and wait outside the bathroom.
    I think that's a great idea.
  41. I show him where it is and go back upstairs.
  42. A silent 30 seconds passes.
  43. Then dad, looking out the window, says, "Here comes another derelict."
    No. It can't be.
  44. And suddenly someone else opens my door.
    Did these white kids never fucking learn to knock?? this is not even like a Starbucks bathroom! This is the home of a stranger!
  45. This time I meet him at the threshold and block his entry.
    Good thing too because unknown white guy #2 a) is stoned and b) apparently doesn't own sunglasses like Larry so his eyes are red af
  46. "Can I help you?"
  47. "Oh, I'm just..."
    Dude TRAILS OFF like he lost his train of thought. smdh. I'm praying my dad can't hear.
  48. "Looking for Ben and Larry? They'll be out in a minute, they're using the bathroom. You can wait on the porch."
    Normal courtesy is to let him wait inside but I just cannot rn
  49. I go back inside.
  50. My dad's coffee is STILL NOT DONE WTF
  51. More waiting in sweaty silence.
  52. And suddenly, out the window, I can see a bunch of smoke rising up.
    Guess who else notices hint MY DAD
  53. Incredulous, I walk toward the window and look on the porch.
  54. THIS DUDE IS VAPING ON MY PORCH
  55. ---
  56. I know I know
    Vaping's not that bad but it's douchey and dumb and most importantly my dad probably doesn't know the difference between that, cigarettes, e-cigs and weed IT'S ALL THE SAME IN HIS BOOK
  57. I don't even acknowledge it and neither does my dad
    But his face says it all ---> 😡
  58. I'm 😪😓😭
  59. AND THEN FINALLY THE TWO OTHER DERELICTS RETURN FROM THE BATHROOM
  60. I literally shove them out of the house
    I scream BYE DAD then I'm outtie
  61. I get into the car and have a small post-traumatic attack
  62. The new guys wonder why I'm so weird
  63. And we drive off to one of the shittiest concerts I've ever been to