Idk if there's an afterlife but I kind of have a fear that whoever's the bouncer will go down my list of sins and realize I'm too petty for heaven
  1. This girl left her Apple earbuds at a meeting and I grabbed them so I could return them but I didn't see her for weeks and kept forgetting to text her and then I used them one day and then every day and now they're mine. Last week I used them in front of her
  2. In the sixth grade I received a ridiculous romantic card from the most unpopular boy in school and my best friend was teasing me about this secret a little too loudly so I slapped her hard and the teacher saw and said I had a detention but in a panic I told her we were just playing and bc I was the class kiss-ass she believed me and I was fine
  3. My roommate and I (badly) fell out and on the day she left my other roommate and I threw a legit party. The FB event cover photo was a picture of the three of us but I photoshopped it so she was just a silhouette.