This list is probably depressing 💁🏾

*TRIGGER WARNING*** sexual assault
  1. I was sexually assaulted when I was 8.
  2. I haven't told a lot of people. I told some people on a retreat once. And I told one of my best friends today. But I can't recall anyone else.
  3. I think it's mostly because I only recently started looking at what happened to me as sexual assault. It was non penetrative so I thought it wasn't sexual assault. Even now writing it out I feel like I'm being overdramatic.
  4. But I googled it today and even non penetrative assault is sexual assault. And it sounds ridiculous but for 12 years I just thought what happened to me was just a kind of bad thing that I don't like thinking about. But it was sexual assault. And it has affected me in many ways I think
  5. But I've never really talked to anyone about it. I don't think I've ever talked to anyone in detail about what happened except for my mom the day after it happened. 12 years ago.
  6. Jesus, that's kind of fucked, right?
  7. But like who wants to hear about that? It's so fucked, how do you even...
  8. There was a lot of drama after. And I remember the doctor. And my mom arguing with family members. But then after a few days I guess no one really brought it up. I feel like maybe they weren't even sure I wasn't just lying. The doctor found no evidence, after all.
  9. But it's weird no one brought it up, in 12 years right? Why did no one bring it up?
  10. But also for years it was just like a bad weird memory and I didn't feel like it affected me all that much. Like I went back to my regular kid life. And yeah I was anxious about some things like men and being by myself with a man, but I didn't recognize that as an "effect" or anything because who isn't? All women are??
  11. So I wasn't like a "real" sexual assault survivor. I was fine. That wasn't really sexual assault it was just a thing that happened.
  12. But recently I was having sex and afterward I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. And it's like *I* was enjoying it at first but *my body* "remembered" and was triggered.
  13. And I don't even know if that's a common or real thing but it felt horrible.
    I just looked it up it's called a flashback.
  14. Thankfully it was short, but I didn't even tell my partner I had one, I just pretended like everything was normal because I couldn't figure out what was going on.
  15. But later I thought, "fuck, maybe I am a survivor of sexual assault"
  16. All these years and it wasn't just a bad memory that I would eventually forget and get over.
  17. And also this week I had to watch a rape documentary for a class and my (male) professor said it would be fine and they wouldn't show rape scenes but they DID and I am super super pissed about it because I cannot watch rape scenes. And it also had women going into really really explicit details and I know it's important doc but
    he described it as "tasteful" and shit was straight up graphic so I have to talk to him about how misleading his description was because, as always when I watch a rape scene, I'm about to lose my sex drive for a week
  18. Ugh what a week