This list is probably depressing 💁🏾
*TRIGGER WARNING*** sexual assault
- •I was sexually assaulted when I was 8.
- •I haven't told a lot of people. I told some people on a retreat once. And I told one of my best friends today. But I can't recall anyone else.
- •I think it's mostly because I only recently started looking at what happened to me as sexual assault. It was non penetrative so I thought it wasn't sexual assault. Even now writing it out I feel like I'm being overdramatic.
- •But I googled it today and even non penetrative assault is sexual assault. And it sounds ridiculous but for 12 years I just thought what happened to me was just a kind of bad thing that I don't like thinking about. But it was sexual assault. And it has affected me in many ways I think
- •But I've never really talked to anyone about it. I don't think I've ever talked to anyone in detail about what happened except for my mom the day after it happened. 12 years ago.
- •Jesus, that's kind of fucked, right?
- •But like who wants to hear about that? It's so fucked, how do you even...
- •There was a lot of drama after. And I remember the doctor. And my mom arguing with family members. But then after a few days I guess no one really brought it up. I feel like maybe they weren't even sure I wasn't just lying. The doctor found no evidence, after all.
- •But it's weird no one brought it up, in 12 years right? Why did no one bring it up?
- •But also for years it was just like a bad weird memory and I didn't feel like it affected me all that much. Like I went back to my regular kid life. And yeah I was anxious about some things like men and being by myself with a man, but I didn't recognize that as an "effect" or anything because who isn't? All women are??
- •So I wasn't like a "real" sexual assault survivor. I was fine. That wasn't really sexual assault it was just a thing that happened.
- •But recently I was having sex and afterward I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. And it's like *I* was enjoying it at first but *my body* "remembered" and was triggered.
- •And I don't even know if that's a common or real thing but it felt horrible.I just looked it up it's called a flashback.
- •Thankfully it was short, but I didn't even tell my partner I had one, I just pretended like everything was normal because I couldn't figure out what was going on.
- •But later I thought, "fuck, maybe I am a survivor of sexual assault"
- •All these years and it wasn't just a bad memory that I would eventually forget and get over.
- •And also this week I had to watch a rape documentary for a class and my (male) professor said it would be fine and they wouldn't show rape scenes but they DID and I am super super pissed about it because I cannot watch rape scenes. And it also had women going into really really explicit details and I know it's important doc buthe described it as "tasteful" and shit was straight up graphic so I have to talk to him about how misleading his description was because, as always when I watch a rape scene, I'm about to lose my sex drive for a week
- •Ugh what a week