REASONS I'M SINGLE

  1. A lady in an electric scooter once acknowledged my purchase of cat food and wine by saying "all the essentials!"
    It was also a Saturday night
  2. My emotions are dedicated to two things fully
    Food and clothes
  3. I've worked out once in six months
  4. My favorite word to color a sentence is "fuck" in some form
  5. I will definitely order the everything bagel
    I will risk my breath smelling and poppy seeds getting stuck in my teeth
  6. I will use up my dvr space on hallmark movies
  7. My butter to bread ratio is Paula Dean aggressive
  8. My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snack
  9. I'm pretty sure my local TJs knows my order: red wine and brownie bites
  10. I'm so lazy that I convinced myself to start loving sparkling water instead of refilling the Brita
  11. I am publishing this list at 10:30pm on a Saturday.