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Thanks to my father, who passed down his genetic code for being a cheesy jackass, I am too a cheesy jackass. These phrases are some of my favorite Dad Jokes!
- •"Are you hurt? Then don't do that anymore. It hurts every single time!He used to pull this one on me all the time! Imagine, a young boy falls down and skins his knee. The pain of the fall causes the little boy to cry. The father, standing near by, runs to his boy to help. He cleans up his sons dirty, scraped up knee. He comforts his boy, pats him on the back, and with the biggest shit eating grin like he thinks it's the funniest thing in the world says, "don't do that anymore. It hurts every single time." Que the troll face.
- •I like Jolly Ranchers or as I tend to call them, "Gay Cowboys."Both rejected titles for Brokeback Mountain! Buh-dum-bum!
- •"It's better to be pissed off than pissed on."Unless you're into that sort of thing.....no judgement.
- •Dad- "What are you eating under there." Me- "Under where?" Dad- "That's gross! You're eating underwear?!"I was like 6 when I fell for this and he still hasn't let me live it down! Let it go, damnit!
[NSFW Warning] Like a massive population of people and a growing population of millennials, I too have issues with anxiety. My goal here is to be honest about the thoughts that go through my head when I'm feeling anxious.
- •I'm in the wrong goddamned line of work!I currently make a scraping living as an assistant manager at a restaurant. You, who have worked in the food industry at or near minimum wage, know what kind of stress that brings. I have to deal with shitty customers that, in my trained-to-be-paranoid mind, just want to rip me off and try to get free meals. On top of that I have to balance being a trustworthy leader with having to make unpopular decisions every day. I already have issues with social situations, I'm more afraid to disappoint.
- •I am two faced! Not in a bad "I'm going to complement your perfume then two seconds later tell Bob you smell like a chlorine tablet resting on the balls of a sweaty fat man" kind of way. It's more of a confidence thing.I am not a confident guy. Never have been. There are some psychological demons I have not discovered and conquered yet. Though I found, through performing, I really am worth a lot more than I give myself credit for. When I get up on stage, I no longer act like my "normal" self. I turn into someone alive, excited, and firmly confident. Someone that no one in my life, other than my fiancé, has really met and gotten to know. I want to be that man more often. I want to live as that Westley Rose.
- •God damnit, am I turning into my parents?!No offense meant. I mean, Mom and Dad, if by some weird chance you happen to be reading this, I'm sorry about the language but no one wants to turn into their parents. I've heard you complain time and time again about the mistakes your parents made and that you were scared of turning into them. Now that I'm an adult, I don't want to make the same mistakes I saw you make. I'm not in anyway badmouthing my family, I love them. I just want to be a step ahead and isn't that the goal of it all anyway?
- •Thank god for filters, but mine might have been built too well. Nothing's coming out! Though, you may not like what I have to say.It all comes down to a simple problem I want to conquer. It is difficult to speak up, especially with anxiety. Sometimes we feel like it would just be better if we stayed out of sight. If we went with the flow and didn't cause ripples, even if we don't like where it leads, maybe we can get through it alive. Usually what happens is I miss my chance to make a difference. I want to make something of myself. I want things to change. I want to be a provider for my fiancé I need to find my voice.
Inspired by @roaringsoftly
- •My name is Westley RoseMy parents legitimately found my name from watching the Princess Bride.
- •My username is an anagram for my full name. (Bonus points if you can find out my middle name)It's David...
- •I am a singer, songwriter, and musician.I play in a band called theModern.
These are the last 5 artists I've listened to on Spotify.
- •The 1975I've been listening to these guys since their Sex EP. I love the great mixture of 80s era pop with a modern flair. Their newest album "I Like It When You Sleep, For You Are So Beautiful Yet So Unaware Of It" is absolutely incredible! Plus my fiancé has a crush on the singer.
- •Relient KGot to have this band on my playlist! Their Mmhmm album was my jam as a kid and has some of my favorite lyrics to this day.
- •Plug In StereoMy fiancé introduced me to this. I'm learning a cover of Oh Darling so I can play it for her.
The chronicles of the weird shit that people do when they think "the customer is always right."
- •Feeding Habits: The act of hunting and gathering sustenance for the irritable Customer is one inspiring wonder, awe, even disgust. The Customer can consume three times a human child's body weight before allowing its offspring to clean the scraps. Though the offspring begs for nutrition, the mother Customer replies, "Not before I've had some!"I actually saw this shit happen! My fiancé and I were at the zoo on a hot day. A mother and her two children were waiting in line at the entrance to the cafe, standing in the hot sun. Her recently-grown-into-big-boy-pants son asks her if he can have some water. She angrily replied with, "Not before I've had some!" Are you serious, ma'am? Your child is thirsty standing in the sun on a scorching day. Are you that selfish? I hope he gets all the water he desires and you dry up into a husk.
- •The Act of Mating: the Customer is a very sexual creature. With no regard to surrounding or public decency. Typically, a pair of Customers can be found playing tonsil hockey in the back of a department store or dancing the horizontal tango on an apartment couch when the pizza delivery guy arrives.I used to work as a pizza delivery guy. I had a delivery to an apartment complex that our store frequented. 'Twas a normal weekend evening, the tips were flowing and I was making my beer money. I arrived to the door. The man standing at the door looked normal, PJs and a t shirt, but then I look behind him to a room filled with cameras and two naked people sitting on the couch! A petite young white woman and a massive muscular black man. I delivered to a damn porn shoot! Not the "tip" I wanted!