IF THE CANDIDATES WERE HOSTING A PARTY

  1. Bernie: open bar
    Come one come all to feel the BERN of bottom shelf vodka. $50 entrance fee but guys the drinks are like basically free.
  2. HRC: kegger
    That bish who creates a Facebook event for her exclusive "boats & hoes" themed kegger three weeks from now. Makes you buy a wristband in advance to cover the price of the kegs, the cups, the pong balls, her outfit for that day, and her next trip to Punta Cana.
  3. Kasich: happy hour
    Discount prices for a menu of four whopping drinks, none of which include tequila (*leaves*). Doesn't serve food but kindly directs you to the privately owned burger shop next door to make sure you don't get too drunk and abuse the happy hour deals.
  4. Cruz: BYOB
    Will designate a publicly owned grass area for you to get your boozy on but will provide nothing but a creepy smile and an overbearing willingness to post you getting lit on his snap chat story. "Look guys I do have friends."
  5. Trump: bottle service to vip tables and pond water for the rest
    Basically that New Years package deal that sounded like a good idea in November but after some rational thought and consideration, you find it foolish to drop $300 on a 3x3 table with one bottle of grey goose between you and your 50 closest nyc promoters