BEST NON-DENOMINATIONAL CHRISTMAS TUNES

  1. 1.
    Linus & Lucy- A Charlie Brown Christmas
    completely non-denominational, centered around the fun times of unsupervised children. somewhat problematic as both children mentioned in the title are white and/or white-passing, which is highly unlikely. charlie brown has alopecia.
  2. 2.
    What Child Is This?- Traditional
    ideal for general confusion around the existence of children, who are just small adults. bonus enjoyment points if one or more parents are named mary. "son of mary" is considered genderless, as evidenced by nicki minaj saying in her under appreciated jam "the boys": the "girls is [her] sons carried 'em for 8 months". child who you are confused about does not have to be premature.
  3. 3.
    Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer- Traditional
    a metaphor for minorities succeeding in a democratic world that favors the majority to a flaw. EDIT: fetishization?
  4. 4.
    Christmas Time is Here- A Charlie Brown Christmas
    unproblematic, but annoying. reserved for small children and sad millennials. very susceptible to vaporwave and nightcore remixes.
  5. 5.
    I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus- Welcome to my Twisted Mind
    not really about the christian celebration of christmas, rather quite the opposite. the mother is having an affair with an older, richer man, which is clearly outlined as unfavorable in the book of leviticus. measures of chastisement detailed in leviticus are not encouraged.
  6. 6.
    All I Want for Christmas Is You- Mariah Carey
    besides a mumbled "him", carey skillfully chooses to avoid using pronouns to make this classic holiday hit accessible to all genders and sexual/romantic orientations. ariana's heteronormative ass could never. c'mon, hunty!