The Planets, Ranked
- •8. MercuryPlusses: Warm; great tanning opportunities. Minuses: You will die.
- •7. NeptunePlusses: Gorgeous azure color. Minuses: You will die.
- •6. VenusPlusses: Proximity of Earth's near-twin greatly reduces homesickness. Minuses: You will die horribly.
- •5. JupiterPlusses: Large and in charge. Minuses: You will die.
- •4. SaturnPlusses: Spectacular ring system; limitless real estate investment opportunities across 62 known moons. Minuses: You will die.
- •3. MarsPlusses: Fulfillment of adolescent swashbuckling science fiction dreams; 35% Earth gravity also could enable adolescent NBA fantasies. Minuses: You will die (probably.)
- •2. EarthPlusses: Generally pleasant; repository of the sum total of mankind's accomplishments; abundant donut supply. Minuses: Recent Zika virus outbreak; soaring tuition costs; Oklahoma City.
- •1. UranusPlusses: Surefire punchline makes 10 year olds laugh uncontrollably. Minuses: Stinky methane atmosphere smells like third world railway bathroom; you will die.