The Planets, Ranked

  1. 8. Mercury
    Plusses: Warm; great tanning opportunities. Minuses: You will die.
  2. 7. Neptune
    Plusses: Gorgeous azure color. Minuses: You will die.
  3. 6. Venus
    Plusses: Proximity of Earth's near-twin greatly reduces homesickness. Minuses: You will die horribly.
  4. 5. Jupiter
    Plusses: Large and in charge. Minuses: You will die.
  5. 4. Saturn
    Plusses: Spectacular ring system; limitless real estate investment opportunities across 62 known moons. Minuses: You will die.
  6. 3. Mars
    Plusses: Fulfillment of adolescent swashbuckling science fiction dreams; 35% Earth gravity also could enable adolescent NBA fantasies. Minuses: You will die (probably.)
  7. 2. Earth
    Plusses: Generally pleasant; repository of the sum total of mankind's accomplishments; abundant donut supply. Minuses: Recent Zika virus outbreak; soaring tuition costs; Oklahoma City.
  8. 1. Uranus
    Plusses: Surefire punchline makes 10 year olds laugh uncontrollably. Minuses: Stinky methane atmosphere smells like third world railway bathroom; you will die.