THIS IS WHY I'M LATE

I used to be the WORST with punctuality when I was the self-possessed manic pixie pseudo-ingenue of my youth. Nowadays I'm a curmudgeonly old fart so if you show up more than 5 minutes late, I'll cut a proverbial bitch - the one that goes, "If you're on time you're late!" So here's a play-by-play of why I used to be 45 minutes late to EVERYthing
  1. 90 minutes before meeting time: haven't washed my hair for 3 days and body hair is poking through my leggings. surfing asos.com looking through every single sale item because I've already committed to buying a skirt and need to spend another $14 to qualify for free shipping
  2. 75 minutes: can't find anything in the sale section so now looking at full-priced accessories. are detachable fur collars trending or a classic? (remember when those were big?)
  3. 60 minutes: nm can't wear fur collars because my neck is too short. still can't find anything! take break to read jezebel
  4. 50 minutes: reading gawker and peeling polish off my nails. If it wasn't clear from the detachable fur collar reference, we're in the mid-aughts and gel manis were probably something you could only get in Japan
  5. 45 minutes: resign self to filling up free shipping quota with 2 pairs of black tights. feel defeated
  6. 35 minutes: pluck eyebrows because life just won't give you a BREAK today
  7. 25 minutes: kinda want a sandwich. kinda wanna try this thing I saw on food network where you grill it with mayonnaise instead of butter
  8. 5 minutes: yea that was pretty good but I guess I didn't mention that I'm not big on grilled cheese sandwiches to begin with so w/e. wait omg LATE. begin attempting a 5 min blitz makeup routine
  9. -15 minutes: which turns into a full face of makeup because I drank too much whiskey the night before and look bloated. look at closet and feel defeated.
  10. -25 minutes: finally decide on the same outfit I've been wearing for the past 4 days.
  11. -30 minutes: step out the front door to be greeted by stinging sensation on face because of the previous night's overzealous retin-A application and the present day neglect to wear sunscreen
  12. -45 minutes: arrive at destination. apologize profusely to people who actually didn't expect anything more from you anyway. offer to buy first round of drinks.