What people really want to hear from a cookie after mediocre food and a good self-loathing.
  1. You will have minimal gas and will fall asleep after a reasonable amount of time.
  2. That meat definitely did not have E.coli.
  3. That person was definitely giving you a vibe. Google them.
  4. From now on, everyone will use their blinker correctly and at the appropriate times.
  5. No one will ever ask you if that's your natural color ever again.
  6. Your next "adventure" will be a crapload of money!
  7. Food reheated will automatically warm to the perfect eating temp, no matter what overeager numbers you punch in.
  8. People will think you are interesting, soon.
  9. Your slumber will be peaceful, with a full and bloated belly
    Suggested by @kate81
  10. Your boss won't notice you took a long lunch and left early on Friday
    Suggested by @Tempe_Stripmall
  11. People will hear you the first time when you tell them your name.
    Suggested by @kaylee
  12. You look nice tonight. (I actually got this one once! And I was pregnant and grumpy, so I extra-appreciated it.)
    Suggested by @carolynparkhurst