The Office/nathan for You Crossover Episode (Part I)

This the first part in a series of lists imagining an episode of The Office wherein Nathan Fielder is recruited to improve Dunder-Mifflin's declining paper sales.
  1. Inspired by this photo posted by @bjnovak
  2. Nathan stands outside of Dunder-Mifflin in Scranton, Pennsylvania...
    "Oxygen. Food. Gasoline. Water. Paper. These five things are arguably the most important products in the world. But none of the other four are nearly as sought after as paper is. Here in Scranton is Dunder-Mifflin: a middle-of-the-road paper distributor. Dunder-Mifflin has been jarred by a recent sales decline that has forced them to pick up the phone and contact a real business professional. It's time for me to turn this regional paper pusher into a global enterprise. This, is Nathan for You.
  3. (Cue "The Office" Opening Credits)
  4. Nathan enters the office and approaches Pam at the reception desk...
    "Hi, can I help you?" Pam says. "Um yes, I'm Nathan." Pam seems a little confused. "Are you here for an interview?" she asks. Nathan appears a little annoyed at Pam's question. He waits a moment to see if she notices him.
  5. ...She doesn't.
    He clears his throat. "I'm Nathan Fielder. I was told to be here today at 9AM." Pam searches the computer to see if he has a meeting with anyone.
  6. Nathan eyes the camera and shakes his head...
    "I don't see your name anywhere. Let me ask around really quick." Pam walks through the office asking if anyone is expecting Nathan Fielder.
  7. From his desk, Creed appears skeptical of Nathan...
    As Pam approaches his desk and asks if he has any meeting with one Nathan Fielder, he abruptly says no. He pauses for a moment. "Pam...the sooner he's out of here the better."
  8. Creed
    "FBI, DEA, CIA, IRS, EPA, Park Ranger. I know a Fed when I see one."
  9. Pam returns to the reception desk where Nathan waits...
    "Excuse me, Nathan?" she asks.
  10. Nathan attempts to charm Pam...
    "Oh please, you can call me Nathan." He smirks at her and leans against her desk.
  11. Pam is beginning to feel uncomfortable...
    "Umm, okay. Nathan. It doesn't appear that anyone has an appointment with you today."
  12. Nathan is visibly concerned and agitated with this news...
    "Umm, okay well, I flew in all the way from LA. And like I said, I was told to be here at 9."
  13. Pam starts looking on the computer again to double-check she didn't miss anything.
  14. Nathan murmurs to Pam...
    "And that's not really a cheap flight. I mean, obviously I can afford it, but still. Plus I had to rent a car..."
  15. Enter: Michael Scott, Regional Manager
    Michael, late to work, hastily walks into the office, hoping nobody notices his tardiness. However, Pam is extremely eager to see him.
  16. "Michael!"
    Pam calls for her boss. "I think there's somebody here to see you." She motions to Nathan with her head.
  17. Nathan introduces himself...
    "Hi, I'm Nathan Fielder." he says extending his hand with an awkward smile.
  18. "Michael Scott." he says shaking Nathan's hand.
    He looks to Pam for more information about this stranger. She shrugs.
  19. "Let me guess..."
    "...you need an interview for the school paper." Michael says earnestly.
  20. Nathan snickers...
    He takes this comment as a joke, but after a moment he realizes Michael sincerely thought he was in high school.
  21. A bit annoyed with Michael's unintentional slight, Nathan explains...
    "No, actually I'm here to assist you because your branch's sales have been declining for the past year and you're going to start losing clients if you don't do something about it."
  22. Michael is stunned by Nathan's remark.
  23. Everyone in the office is also concerned.
  24. (With the exception of Stanley)
  25. But, after a moment: Michael laughs off Nathan's remark...
    "Ha! Declining? What does that even mean? Actually, we've been *inclining* for the past year! So, I don't even know what you're even talking about with whatever your saying."
  26. Michael's joke does little to lessen anyone's concern.
    Jim and Pam exchange worried looks and Oscar looks uneasy as well.
  27. Oscar
    "What Nathan said is true. The past 3 quarters have been pretty rough. I've brought up our decrease in sales several times to Michael. But every time I do, he just...pretends like he's late for another meeting."
  28. The office remains fixated on Michael and Nathan...
    Michael checks his watch. "Oh wow! Wow! Is it that time already?" He quickly steps past Nathan and towards the safety of his office. "I have a conference call in 5 minutes!"
  29. Oscar
    "See what I mean?"
  30. Nathan follows Michael to his doorway...
    He speaks soft enough so only Michael can hear him. "I can really help you out. I've done this plenty of times before. You need to think about this company...these people."
  31. Michael pauses and scans the room for a moment...
  32. "Okay, get in here."
    He murmurs as he motions Nathan into his office.
  33. Dwight stands up at his desk...
    "Michael, I should come too! We can set this straight together."
  34. "Ugh. Dwight."
    "Please no. Just...stay there or just not in here." Michael shuts the office door behind him.
  35. Pam looks...
  36. at Jim...
    and they both wonder what the hell today has in store.
  37. Michael
    "Being a good leader or being a good boss entails always listening to new ideas. It means listening to strangers. Do you think Warren Buffett made billions of dollars on his own by just paying attention to the market? No way! He got stock tips from his shoe shine. Everyone knows that."
  38. Michael
    "Do you think his brother, Jimmy, just decided to randomly name a restaurant Margaritaville? Of course not. He probably heard that song on the radio one day and thought: "Wow, that's the perfect name for a restaurant!" And it is!"
  39. Michael
    "My point being is when someone like Nathan shows up at my door and says 'Hey! Scranton branch is underperforming!' Or 'Scranton Branch could hypothetically lose 27% of its current business in the next 8-12 months!' Or whatever he said out there, I make an effort to listen. Because there might not be an "I" in "leader", but there is in "listener". And Michael Scott, is more than a leader. He's a listener."
  40. Michael
    Michael sits quietly for a moment before humming the tune of "Margaritaville."
  41. Michael
    "Man, I love that song. Who sang that? Clapton? No. Ahh, this is gonna bother me all day."