MY DARKEST MOMENT

thank you to everyone who did this// y'all are star stuff @ChrisK @AlexandraLouise @DanaDigsYou & everyone else 💛
  1. so it was freshman year of college at lawrence university
  2. the first time I went to visit lu I was like oh there's no way I'm going here nothing happens in Appleton Wisconsin and it's super depressing looking
  3. then they gave me money
  4. two weeks before i had left for school my mom got her cancer diagnosis
  5. I also had just started my first queer relationship- long distance
  6. I didn't know how to deal with the cancer thing so I kept on taking out all my sadness and putting it into the relationship
  7. we were constantly fighting
  8. & at one point I went home to visit but my mom was in the hospital because they punctured her lung trying to put her chemo port in & she looked so fucking small on that bed
  9. I was constantly avoiding my mom or when we were talking, doing my best to not talk about chemo or anything to do with her
  10. it was the year of the polar vortex
  11. seasonal depression took my already depression & multiplied it in ways I didn't understand
  12. I stopped leaving my room to do anything but go to classes
  13. I binge watched chuck - this may not sound that bad but I don't watch horrible shows unless I'm unable to give myself the pleasure of watching good shows. chuck is mind numbing and awful
  14. I stopped eating
  15. I would mentally congratulate myself for every meal I skipped & then about once a week I would order toppers and eat the entire pizza by myself
  16. I lost 15 pounds that year
  17. I kept on saying I wasn't depressed and I would get really upset whenever anyone talked about how thin I looked and I cried at least twice a day
  18. I don't know if there's a specific moment in here I can pinpoint as the worst, because it's taken me two years to admit that I was depressed, that my eating was off, that I threw up whenever my sig other and I got into a big fight, which was often
  19. but what i do know is i transferred out & i took my finals early & i packed my bags in two hours & surprised my mom at her birthday party in june & the sun shone bright in my eyes on the car ride home & it felt warm & my mom has hair again & it's curly in a way it never was before but she loves it