NEWS HEADLINES THAT WOULD EXPLAIN MY DAY

What the news would look like if a narcissistic young woman like myself was in charge of broadcasting it.
  1. GIRL NEARLY FREEZES TO DEATH IN HER OWN HOME
  2. LOCAL TEENAGER CONSUMES ENTIRE "EGGO" WAFFLE IN 15 SECONDS
  3. LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL TORTURES LARGE GROUP OF HOSTAGE CHILDREN
  4. TEENAGED BOYS AND GIRLS ARE INCARCERATED IN A PRISON-LIKE SCHOOL FOR DAYS ON END
  5. LOCAL GOVERNMENT DEMANDS CHILDREN AGES 5-18 TO ATTEND SCHOOL
  6. TEENAGER EXPLAINS HER EMOTIONS INFORMATION ON SOCIAL MEDIA TO STRANGERS
  7. 16-YEAR OLD COLLAPSES AND FALLS INTO TRANCE WHILE BINGE-WATCHING "THE OFFICE"
  8. SCRANTON AREA PAPER COMPANY, DUNDER MIFFLIN, APOLOGIES TO VALUED CLIENT. SOME COMPANIES STILL KNOW HOW BUSINESS IS DONE.