1. FA Cup upsets are always more entertaining when following a two-part paid advertisement for Class Of 92 Ltd, almost as if it were all scripted by the footballing gods themselves. Not that I would ever suggest that to have happened 😶
  2. (Our lawyers have advised us to explicitly declare that the previous point definitely did not happen! Ryan Giggs is a loyal, upstanding member of the community who considers his former teammates as family and as such would never hurt his family through cheating.)
  3. If you plan on scoring in nine consecutive games, feel free to commit as many foul acts as possible beforehand. Get the bubbling racism out of your system. Sexually assault an innocent bystander. Admit to listening to Skrillex. Once that ninth goal rolls into the net, all will be forgiven.
  4. If you lay into Robbie Savage during a press conference, you can have a free pass for afterwards as well.
  5. To use a familiar Alan Partridge trope, Jose Mourinho is one poor result away from driving up to Dundee in his bare feet. Someone better check his bag for half-eaten bars of Toblerone.
  6. Paul Merson does not and will not condone football laws which are upheld beyond the 89th minute of play. Stoppage time = lawless free for all! Actually, that might not be such a bad idea...
  7. Never put money on AFC Wimbledon. A tenner, lost because of you! Shower of shit!!!
  8. Let's see if we ever do one of these again. Don't hold your breath..