It's summer and the heat is on here in Florida. And when you couple the heat and humidity that causes profuse back of knee sweating any time you step outside with monster thunderstorms, you end up trapped inside with your kids too often. Plus, for you northerners, snowy winter is right around the corner. Here are a few games to help get you through
  1. Jumping over Random Toys and Junk on the Floor
  2. Goal:
    There isn't one
  3. How to win:
    You can't win
  4. How to play:
    Start in the dining room. Hop on two feet or one foot or just kind of walk around and step over things while scrolling through your Facebook feed. Obstacles you might encounter include a stuffed duck that quacks Jingle Bells, an action figure, seven blocks, a remote control car turned upside down, a pair of underwear, a dog/kid squeak toy, one shoe, and three different stretches of toy train tracks that don’t go anywhere and don’t connect to anything.
  5. How to play (cont.):
    Beware of the train tracks because you have to hop or step back and forth across them in a specific pattern. If you don’t follow the correct pattern, you have to start over in the dining room. There is no correct pattern. Once you complete the course, keep going. There is no such thing as completing the course.
  6. Jumping over Paper Bags Lined Up on the Floor
  7. Goal:
    Similar to the first game
  8. How to win:
    You have already lost
  9. How to play:
    Go in your pantry and take out all the paper bags that are haphazardly folded up and crumpled on the floor. You should have about twenty-five or so—at least one from every restaurant within three miles of your house and about eight from Chipotle because you have been hoarding burritos in case they go out of business soon. Lay the bags down flat on the floor in a line about a foot apart. Start at one end, hop over each bag until you reach the other end.
  10. How to play (cont.):
    Don’t step on any of the bags unless you want to. Repeat until one player collapses from exhaustion or boredom or both players wander off somewhere.
  11. Jumping over Paper Bags Lined Up on the Floor While Pushing the White Button
  12. Goal:
    Similar to the preceding game, but more hopeless.
  13. How to Win:
    Everyone is a winner (or a loser, depending on your perspective).
  14. How to Play:
    Initial set-up and game play is identical to the preceding game, but each time you step over a bag you have to make a decisive downward button pushing motion with your hand and a “whoink” sound with your mouth as if pushing an imaginary white button that makes a “whoink” sound when pressed. When you reach the bag with sparkles on it, instead of stepping or hopping over it, stomp directly on it instead.
  15. How to play (cont.):
    Do not press the white button. You will not learn this rule until after you have passed the bag with sparkles on it. Start over at the beginning. This time, don’t stomp on the bag with sparkles on it. Push the white button. You will not learn this rule until after you have stomped on the bag with sparkles on it. Start over. This time, I don’t know. Repeat.
  16. Pretending to Get Kicked in the Face, Tossed to the Floor, or Otherwise Maimed
  17. Goal:
    Have you not been paying attention?
  18. How to win:
    Fall to the floor without suffering any debilitating injuries. Don’t actually get kicked in the face or otherwise maimed.
  19. How to play:
    Stand at attention in the center of your living room or next to the microwave. Pretend to be caught off guard when your kid grabs you by the shirt and spins you into the wall or counter. Spin and tumble theatrically across the room, slam your hand against the wall or counter to make a loud thud, and clutch at your face in agony. While your kid is cracking up, rest for a moment to prepare for rounds two through two thousand.
  20. How to play (cont.):
    Alternatively, sit on a chair while your child sits on a chair or overturned box directly in front of you. Lean forward to do something on the floor for some reason. When a small foot starts hurtling toward your eyes, jump back into your chair, snap your neck back, and pretend to bang your head. Melt down onto the floor while clutching the back of your head and crying out, “Why me?!?!”
  21. How to play (cont.):
    Repeat until you start to wonder whether actually being kicked in the face might be more enjoyable. Feel free to mix it up by alternating between the sitting and standing game play variations. Mixing it up is not allowed.
  22. Steering Your Dreamliner Through Freezing Cold, Crocodile and Shark Infested Waters
  23. Goal:
    To kill time
  24. How to win:
    If everyone falls asleep, everyone wins. If just the parent falls asleep, it is a tie. If only the kids fall asleep, yeah right, LOL.
  25. How to play:
    Lie face down on the bed and pile all the covers on top of you. Have your kids sit on the back of your head, lower back, knees, and feet (depending on how many kids you have…if you have enough to fill up all those spots, OMG, what were you thinking?). Instruct the kids to steer the Dreamliner to safety. Remind them that there are crocodiles and sharks in the water and that the water is freezing cold, so they can’t get off the bed unless there is a fire or they need to get juice or something.
  26. How to play (cont.):
    Deliver the instructions before you mount the bed because they won’t be able to hear you when you are buried under the covers with your face smashed into the mattress by a 4-year-old bottom. Continue game play for like an hour and a half or so or until someone wins (see above).
  27. Slap the Jack
  28. Goal:
    To get all the cards and/or avoid a screaming match.
  29. How to win:
    If you win, you lose, and if you lose, you lose.
  30. How to play:
    Divide a deck of cards into two equal piles. Keep one pile for yourself and give the other pile to your kid. Switch piles after your kid complains that theirs is smaller. Take turns lifting one card from the top of your piles and placing face up in a third pile in the center of the table or couch cushion. You can complete this task like a normal person, but your kid will turn each card over slowly, study it for three seconds, and then place it on the pile.
  31. How to play (cont.):
    If he turns up a jack, he will first say “look what this is!” before setting it down. When a jack unexpectedly appears on the table or dog-hair infested ottoman, wait five seconds and then slap at it comically. Repeat until your kid collects all the cards (or if you dare, and this is highly unadvisable, you collect all the cards) or one or both of you falls to the floor crying.
  32. Hungry, Hungry Hippos
  33. Goal:
    Make your hippo eat as many marbles as possible by smashing the lever on its back as fast and as hard as you can.
  34. How to win:
    If you are playing with a 4-year-old, you better not win. If you do, you lose.
  35. How to play:
    Put the marbles in the center of the game board. Choose a hippo. Smash the lever on the back of your hippo maniacally for like three seconds. Put the marbles back into the middle of the game board. Repeat until the lever on your hippo breaks or your soul dies.
  36. **Note: Some of these games were invented by my 4-year-old, some by me, and some by Hasbro.**