Fun Things to Do With Your Newborn

  1. Take her places where you know people, but not that well. Like your kid's preschool or the Starbucks you always go to. Walk in all casual and then be like—Blammo! I've got a new human. Sit back and revel in their amazement.
  2. Dress her in clothes that were obviously intended for boys. Then take her to the store or something and get really indignant when people call her a boy.
  3. Watch HGTV for like seven straight hours while holding her. If anyone asks you to do something else just say—I can't, I'm busy holding the baby right now.
  4. Sleep when she sleeps. Commit to this piece of advice with great vigor. Commit to it with the relentlessness of that squirrel with the white tail in your mom's backyard trying to topple the bird feeder. Get approximately 20 hours of sleep per day.
  5. Ask if an acquaintance wants to hold her and when they reach over to take her from you shout—Don't touch her!
  6. Just walk around in public carrying her and wait for strangers to congratulate you for some reason
  7. Watch her sleep and feel your heart breaking with indescribable emotion as the minutes slowly slip away