Green Day Song Titles That Describe My Experience as a Parent

  1. No Pride
    There is a list of about 127 character traits I need to get through each day as a parent: Pride is definitely not on that list.
  2. Basket Case
    Duh
  3. Boulevard of Broken Dreams
    The street on which my 3-year-old permanently resides because I’m always doing unforgivable stuff like throwing away his hardened PB&J sandwich crust 7 hours after he started eating it, but 2 minutes before he was planning to finish it.
  4. Road to Acceptance
    The street on which my 3-year-old never resides. Ever.
  5. I Want to Be Alone
    Duh
  6. No One Knows
    Why, out of all the rules we’ve attempted to ingrain in our 3-year-old, does he consistently, vehemently, and without prompting follow only one: No shoes on the couch? No one knows.
  7. 86
    The number of times I say, “It’s just about bed time,” every night between the hours of 7 and 9.
  8. All By Myself
    I wish
  9. One of My Lies
    “Sorry dude, Starbucks is out of cookies again!” That’s one of my lies, there are about a thousand others.
  10. Scattered
    The relationship between the pieces of every jigsaw puzzle we own (and several I’m not even sure we own, but seem to have taken up permanent residence in our house) and the floor.
  11. Lazy Bones
    Describes me and my level of attention to the aforementioned puzzle pieces
  12. King for a Day
    Describes how my kids view my level of authority on no day ever
  13. Rest
    I wish
  14. Pulling Teeth
    Bed time
  15. Misery
    Bath time
  16. Brain Stew
    You know that moment when your baby is crying at 2:42 a.m.; at first you think it’s a dream and you’re like, “Why doesn’t someone get that baby?!?”; then you rouse yourself enough to notice you’re sleeping in an upright position on the couch with a Chihuahua draped around your neck and an infomercial for the Pocket Hose blaring on the TV; and finally, when you get up to get the baby you have decided is actually yours, it takes you a couple minutes to remember where he is? Brain Stew is that.
  17. Wow! That's Loud
    Every children’s toy ever created, particularly when stepped on in the middle of the night.
  18. Walking Alone
    I wish
  19. Are We the Waiting
    If a child is sleeping, the answer is always yes we are.
  20. Warning
    If you ever sing “Let It Go” in the presence of my 3-year-old, do not under any circumstances change the words to “Let It Snow” in an attempt to be hilarious. Consider yourself warned.
  21. Waiting
    "I've been waiting a lifetime, For this moment to come." The moment I've been waiting for, of course, is my kids to put on their shoes.
  22. Brutal Love
    The love of a parent for his child: the most heart-breaking, rewarding, often frustrating, all-encompassing, frighteningly visceral, in a word, brutal, love of all.