How to Throw a Baller 30-Something Birthday Extravaganza for Your Wife When You Have 3 Kids Under 5

First off, don't be so dumb as to mention her exact age or post about her exact age on @list! LOL, nope. You can't plan super dope birthdays and then whiff on a key detail like that!
  1. Get started with planning early. The day before should be sufficient if you can swing it.
  2. Day Before...
  3. On your way to the dentist, stop at Walgreens and pick up a card and two of her favorite dark chocolate bars
  4. Arrive at the dentist. Suddenly realize that it is Florida...and that it is 1000 degrees outside
  5. Stuff both chocolate bars into your pocket and head inside
  6. To recap: You now have two huge bars of chocolate in your pants. At the dentist.
  7. Because you are clutching your pocket closed the entire appointment, the chocolate will melt a little, but I'm sure it will be fine
  8. Day of...
  9. Hop out of bed in the morning with a glint in your eye. It's go time!
  10. Realize it's already 9 because you fell asleep after the newborn went back to bed for the fifth time at around 7 or whatever
  11. Cross "Breakfast in bed" off of the list
  12. Mess around for approximately five hours or so
    Try some fun activities like preparing food that won't be eaten, arguing over who gets to choose the television program, and preventing hair pulling
  13. Now that everyone is in the birthday spirit and/or hates everything, load up the car to head to Grandma's
  14. 45 minutes later, pull out of the driveway
  15. Drop off the kids at Grandma's and get out of there like the place is on fire
    Make sure that it's not actually on fire
  16. Arrive at the selected restaurant for dinner at 3:45 p.m.
  17. Discover that the restaurant doesn't open until 4:30
    I mean, come on! Who doesn't eat dinner at 3:45?!?
  18. Because you now have 45 minutes to kill, lament the life choices that led you to your current situation, drive around in the car, and stop at the grocery store for some reason
  19. Buy a piece of cornbread (for you) and coconut macaroons (for the birthday girl!)
  20. Devour them in the car
  21. Open up the restaurant at 4:30
  22. Complete your dining experience in a tidy 37 minutes
  23. Pick up the kids
  24. Drive home listening to 90s alt rock and your 4-year-old yammering on and on about who knows what from the backseat
  25. Spend 2 to 3 hours getting the kids to bed
  26. Fall asleep on the couch watching Flip or Flop
  27. Baller Birthday Extravaganza Complete