Personal Fireworks Ranked
Types of personal fireworks you buy from those tents outside Wal-Mart or someone's van or whatever ranked from best to worst...
- 1.Ones that get left in a torrential downpour and are too wet to lightBecause these don't work at all and are at your house, I don't even know they exist. Best case scenario.
- 2.Ones that are defective and only light a little bit before fizzling outClearly my second favorites. There are few things I love more than the sound of fireworks fizzling out in my neighbor's yard before they even get started.
- 3.Ones that are lit before 9 p.m.I know, I know, it doesn't get dark till 9, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. My kids go to bed by 9 and that's literally the only thing I care about. If your firework usage was limited to July 4th, that would be OK, kind of, but when it's the entire month of July...that's another story.
- 4.Ones that are lit after 8 a.m.See above. Again, my kids' sleep schedule is the only thing I care about. Ever.
- 5.Ones that are of reasonable size and produce levels of noise that are appropriate for neighborhood usageFor example, sparklers. I can really get behind a good sparkler. Give me one of those and a cool bottle of water and I will just go to town. America baby!
- 6.Ones that don't rattle the windows of my house when detonatedClearly, as this list indicates, I'm all for having a good time, but when your fun bombs start shaking my bay window and my chihuahuas I'm all like, dude, chill.
- 7.Ones that don't make that really loud WEEEEEEEE-OOOOHHHHHH sound when launchedI mean, while I do enjoy a good firework that sounds like an air raid siren...actually no, I really don't enjoy that at all. Particularly when launched after my kids are in bed. See above for relevant times.
- 8.Ones that my neighbor has right now that don't fit any of the above criteriaAre dead to me
- 9.Yes, if you were wondering, I am old AF
- 10.Happy Fourth of July everyone! I hope you all have a blast!That's a lie. I hope you all don't wake up my kids!