Questions to Ask If You Suspect You Might Be Living in an HGTV Show

  1. Have you noticed that your family and friends have inexplicably started using the word “space” to describe a room or other part of your house? For example, “Oh, what a lovely space! I really like the way the light from the window catches the cat dander dancing around the scratching post in the corner.”
    If so, it is very possible that you are living in an HGTV show. Because, while people living in HGTV shows use “space” in this context on the regular, people not living in HGTV shows never do.
  2. Have two very tall Canadian men that kind of look alike been lurking around your house? Does one look a little bit like the guy from Nickelback? Does the other look a little bit like the guy from Nickelback with a haircut and a suit?
    If so, it is very likely that you are living in an HGTV show. Alternatively, you might be on tour with Nickelback. However, in that case, there would also be thousands of screaming fans engulfing your house and a sizable collection of internet memes from 2012 huddled in the corner shooting up heroin.
  3. While completing home repairs or renovations have you been beset by a series of unforeseen calamities?
    If so, it is possible that you are living in an HGTV show. While set-backs and obstacles are not uncommon in the course of typical home improvement projects, people living in HGTV shows are uniquely cursed. Find a leaky pipe while renovating your kitchen? Normal occurrence. Find a colony of rats turned mutant and spiteful by years of bathing in lead paint and surviving on a diet of asbestos? Normal HGTV occurrence.
  4. Do you sometimes have the urge to drive around southern California looking for dilapidated homes to purchase, renovate, and sell for a tidy profit?
    If so, you are either living in an HGTV show or you have made some terrible life choices. When exactly did you give up on your dreams of being a doctor or working for a non-profit? Can you pinpoint the moment when you lost the will to live? Who did this to you?
  5. Do you find yourself admiring the crown molding in your dining room or the tray ceiling in your bedroom for some reason?
    If so, you are definitely living in an HGTV show. People living in HGTV shows would trade their first born children for crown molding and tray ceilings. On the other hand, no non-HGTV inhabitants have ever admired or even noticed crown molding or tray ceilings.
  6. Have you ever woken up in the morning and thought, “You know, I think living in a tiny house might be a really good idea?”
    If so, you are without a doubt living in an HGTV show. In fact, it is very likely that you are not actually a human being, but rather, a sentient incarnation of the construct known as HGTV masquerading as a human. Congratulations on fooling us all for so long!
  7. Is there a camera crew following you around asking you to discuss your feelings about open floor plans and prompting you with synonyms for “fixer upper?”
    If so, you are most likely living in an HGTV show unless any member of the crew is named Seamus. In that case, you are definitely living in an HGTV show.
  8. Are you house hunting? Does your realtor keep showing you houses that are either wildly out of your price range or inhabited by squatters?
    If so, you are living in an HGTV show, you have the worst realtor in the world or−the most likely scenario−both. Living in an HGTV show and having the worst realtor in the world kind of go hand in hand.
  9. Are you living in Canada in the winter?
    If so, you probably are living in an HGTV show or will be in the near future. So, if the snowiness and cold is getting you down, cheer up! Either Spring or the Love It or List It duo will be here soon.