Unspoken Words

  1. His face is the last thing I see at night before I go to sleep.
  2. Some nights, when I reach up to touch his face, it is smooth and soft.
  3. Other nights, it is stubbly and rough;
  4. I like the roughness because it soothes my itchy wrists and hands.
  5. Some nights, when I look into his eyes, they look so tired;
  6. His eyelids droop and flutter.
  7. Other nights, his eyes are clear;
  8. When he smiles, I can see the smile in his eyes, and I smile back.
  9. Some nights, he seems distracted.
  10. While I drink, he looks away or reaches for his phone, but I never stop watching him.
  11. I sense that his mind is racing, so I am quiet;
  12. All I want is to feel the ropy strength of his arm under my head,
  13. And the thump of his heart in my ear.
  14. Some nights, as I watch him, a tear rolls down his cheek and hangs on his chin;
  15. Those nights, the very unusual ones, I want to hold him like he holds me.
  16. I want to make him feel safe and warm;
  17. Let him know that everything is going to be OK.
  18. Every night, all I want to do is stay awake;
  19. I don’t want to drift off because I’m afraid,
  20. Afraid I’ll lose him and won’t be able to find him again.
  21. So I put every ounce of energy I have into fighting sleep;
  22. I scratch and I claw, I struggle and I cry, but I always lose.
  23. Eventually, my eyelids get too heavy;
  24. I can’t keep them open even a second longer.
  25. His face is the last thing I see.
  26. Most nights, I wake up and it is completely black and I am scared;
  27. I miss him, so I call out, and he always comes to get me.
  28. Everything is dark and quiet and everything is still, I let sleep come quickly;
  29. I am completely content because I am in his arms again as we rock,
  30. Back and forth in the chair that creaks under our weight.
  31. Every morning, just as the room begins to lighten from black to pale gray, I toss and turn;
  32. Until that first thought pushes its way into my mind: Where is he?
  33. I can’t wait to see him again;
  34. I stand up, I rub my eyes, I call out, and I wait.
  35. When he comes, it is the happiest moment of my day, I smile and I laugh.
  36. Every day, he tells me how much he loves me, and all I want to do, more than anything, is tell him that I love him too,
  37. But I've yet to find the words.