HEAR ME OUT: I HOPE LEONARDO DICAPRIO DOESN'T WIN AN OSCAR

  1. I mean he's amazing blah blah blah and he's definitely gonna win but like
  2. It would be a hilarious if the academy just said "lol let's fuck with him" and didn't give him it
  3. Can you just imagine how brilliant it would be if, year after year, they keep passing him over.
  4. If they never give him one.
  5. Just picture it.
  6. Usually, a head nod, polite smile and clap, upon the announcement of a winner who is not him.
  7. Some years, he does a maniacal, over-dramatic, sarcastic laugh when he doesn't win.
    He's bitter, who can blame him?
  8. Others, he refuses to even clap, and sits scowling, with his arms crossed tightly across his chest.
  9. Every year he shows up, sometimes hopeful, always out of obligation, nominated for his role in Martin Scorsese's new film about a white man.
  10. He goes through the motions constantly, the incredible emotional distress of his repeated losses playing as fodder to his incomparable range as an actor.
  11. One year he brings along a half dozen bottles of $6 wine, chugging it from the bottle throughout the ceremony, and when the host makes a light hearted joke about Leo's repeated losses, he shouts a garbled, drunken response and has to be escorted out by the hologram of Jon Stewart.
    Jon Stewart hasn't died, the Academy invited him to host and he declined, leading to the Academy pranking him by having his hologram performing usher duties.
  12. And then at the 2044 Oscars, after a year of film revivals of '90s television shows, he loses to Jared Leto.
    Jared won for his portrayal of Jordan Catalano, a dyslexic 60-year-old bad boy type. In his speech he refused to thank anyone who contributed to the film and instead profusely thanked 30 Seconds To Mars for an entire 5 minutes. His brother, Shannon, was in the audience crying tears of pure elation, and his mouth was so wide open that it spawned dozens of memes involving phallic objects.
  13. In a reckless, and ill planned attempt to relive his glory days, Leo signs on to a sequel - Titanic 2: Under The Sea
    Which tells the story of Jack Dawson, a man trapped in a block of ice as he travels the depths of the deep blue. He eventually reaches the lost city of Atlantis, where the mer-people worship him as their frozen king. Gradually his icy tomb begins to defrost, leading to the films climax where the immense water pressure causes Jack's eyes to explode out of his head culminating in his death.
  14. Rightly so, he wins a Razzie for his role in what has been deemed the "worst film of all time"
    He attends the awards and during his acceptance speech, he cries violently, screaming "I just want the recognition I am due!"
  15. At the following Academy Awards, he shows up with an overgrown beard, in sweatpants and an old turtleneck crusted with nacho cheese, refusing to speak, and lies on the ground in front of the stage and sleeps through the whole ceremony
    His publicist later falsely claims he pulled a Joaquin Phoenix but really Leo was just coming down from a pre-Oscars bender weekend
  16. The next year, he shows up dapper, with what can only be referred to as the greatest performance of his career under his belt.
    Unfortunately this is the year the Academy invites Taylor Swift to host, and she has done away with all awards in a backwards attempt at making everyone equal. The ceremony is instead a five hour performance of only "We Are Never Getting Back Together" dedicated to the breakup of her failed supergroup Swift Feminists
  17. Then after 38 years of this, he decides 'fuck 'em, I'm the greatest actor of my generation and I don't need some "prestigious award" to tell me that'
  18. Yet he sits crying into his ice cream after the next ceremony when Sylvester Stallone wins for his performance in Rocky XVII
    Oh yeah they do a Rocky XVII and it's fucking phenomenal, Sylvester Stallone literally dies during filming and brings himself back to life through "sheer willpower and love of film", but really it's because he is $96 million in debt, so his loan sharks had a defibrillator on stand by. The footage of his death is used in the final cut and he receives critical acclaim for his method acting.
  19. And then eventually one day he's dead
    The razor thin thighs of his supermodel girlfriend severed him in half during a sexual encounter.
  20. And he has spent his entire life Oscar-less
  21. Then at the first Oscars following his death they do a spectacular 'in memoriam' tribute to him
  22. And present him with a posthumous award.
  23. Like wouldn't that be the greatest long term prank of all time?