LIVE LISTING GLORIAVALE: A WORLD APART

Preface - Gloriavale is a Christian community, founded in the 1960s, located outside of Greymouth in the South Island of New Zealand. It is commonly referred to as a cult. The dude who formed the community is known as Hopeful Christian, an Australian evangelist, who was jailed for almost a year in 1995 on charges of sexual abuse
  1. First off, full disclosure - I have 100% seen this before
  2. Judgement day is coming fucking good grief
  3. Everyone is wearing blue and I know there's a reason for it but I can't remember it?
  4. OH FUCK that's right they own a plane?
  5. "And perhaps what's more extraordinary - these teenagers get on with the job without grumbling" ok cool not like they have any other choice but please go on and tell me how ungrateful millennial teens are jfc
  6. Ugh those dining table remind me of the great hall in Harry Potter
  7. How anyone becomes a pilot in that kind of environment is beyond
  8. Ok so Paul and his accent are not reflective of all of us! They are from the South Island and BESIDES their accents are very specific to Gloriavale
  9. "I wanna marry a godly wife" um k you've come to the right place
  10. Cleaning, laundry and preparing meals aka what it means to be a woman
  11. At least we've got this "massive kitchen" tho
  12. Oh god Dove Love how did I forget you
  13. "His car is nothing to write home about" do other people say this or is this v relevant to New Zealand?
  14. Oh damn Dove your accent!!!!
  15. Looking for a man who is "humble, loves God, submitted to the church" fuck just imagine that tinder profile
  16. Is that not a oldest, whitest circle of men you've ever seen or what
  17. "I believe this is what god wants" k not like it's just something YOU want tho
  18. DEAD TOOTH
  19. He can't choose a wife of his own, he has to go ask THE ELDERLY WHITE MEN for their permission
  20. There is somebody "specially prepared for you" WHAT
  21. THEY HAVE LISTS OF BLOOD LINES SO THEY DONT ACCIDENTALLY INBREED
  22. There will be FIVE OR SIX GIRLS WITHIN YOUR AGE BRACKET ON YOUR "SHORT LIST" (a slang term amongst the young fellas)
  23. oh it's concert season, nvm he has to wait to get married
  24. Omg single people aren't allowed to dance because there might be physical contact good grief
  25. OMG STEADY STANDTRUE I FORGOT THAT YOU EXISTED AND THAT WAS YOUR REAL NAME
  26. Ok a group of old white men decided that he should marry Pearl so obviously god did that, he put it into their minds, not like they did extensive blood line mapping or anything?
  27. Oh the proposal is the hard bit? K not the fact that she doesn't know that this is happening at all or that you've never fucking spoken to each other?
  28. Pearl is 21 THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY MARRYING HER OFF BECAUSE SHES GETTING TOO OLD TO NOT BE BREEDING YET
  29. "Once I announced that I was marrying her, it meant that we were officially courting"
  30. "We don't go anywhere alone, we always have a chaperone... Basically because I don't trust myself" WHAT THE FUCK
  31. oh god Paul is so boring "the worst part about bbqing food is waiting for it to cook lololol" PEARL HATES HIM
  32. Pearl has an attitude and I love it
  33. Baby no. 11 is born at 10am and dad is there in the morning before going back to work at lunchtime. I would slap him.
  34. "No contraception practised here so midwives are kept busy"
  35. "Gloriavale claims to have one of the highest birth rates in the world" fucking of course they do
  36. The dad "we believe children are blessings from god and the more you have the more blessings he gives you... We could easily have 14, my wife is only 35" YOU HAVE ELEVEN CHILDREN AND SHE'S ONLY 35 HOW HOW HOW
  37. THIS IS WHAT THEY LEARN IN SCHOOL
  38. "Dinosaurs are big, how did they fit on the arc?" WHAT
  39. "Noah didn't have to pick the biggest dinosaurs he could've picked some baby ones" THIS IS THEIR CURRICULUM THEY ARE LEARNING ABOUT BABY DINOSAURS AND CREATIONISM
  40. They teach the children things they need to know how to do in the community, what will be their jobs when they're full grown. Boys learn agriculture, engineering, building. The girls learn about food safety, "what kind of pots to use for what things", how to make clothes, how to look after children.
  41. Dove Love "the joy that we get from serving is a real pleasure, you don't get any pleasure from just doing what you wanna do" oh honey no
  42. The husband decides whether the bride wears a pale pink or pale blue dress UGH
  43. "Be modest because it says to be modest in gods word"
  44. "The man should have short hair, the woman should have long hair"
  45. "The head covering for the woman shows that the woman is in subjection to the man. Every time a woman puts on the head covering it reminds her what she's here for, what her place is" ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS
  46. All books, films and newspapers are censored from them "it's to protect us, particularly the young ones"
  47. omg their pre wedding party "stag do" involves them swimming in their clothes lol obviously they don't have togs, because that's not modest
  48. "I decided I was going to love her"
  49. "We have the same likes and dislikes mostly, except I like sugar and she doesn't" wtf why would sugar come up in your likes and dislikes
  50. "It's like we were made for each other, but because I didn't know her I didn't know it until after I asked her to marry me" yep that's a sentence
  51. There are 500 residents and they live in fucking hostels, each married couple gets a room and the walls are lined with bunk beds, and it's a dormitory, where the next married couple lives in the room next door with their twelve children all in bunk beds
  52. Do they say "face the wall children, mummy and daddy are gonna make a blessing now" and just fuck with all their kids in the room?!
  53. "Baby names are chosen by the attribute that the person has or the virtue itself"
  54. THEIR ELDEST DAUGHTER IS NAMED DISCRETION IM NOT FUCKING JOKING
  55. Oh and their other two daughters are named Wisdom and Cheerful. This is real
  56. Paul and Pearl are finally getting married oh god Paul is awful "we don't touch, we don't kiss before the wedding day... The wedding day is a lot of firsts heh heh heh" CAN YOU BE WEIRDER
  57. Cooking and cleaning roster feat some truly marvellous names jfc Worthy and Obedience
  58. WAIT DOVE LOVE PAINTED THIS????
  59. Pearl's wedding look
  60. EACH OF THEIR PARENTS PREPARE THEIR HONEYMOON BEDROOM "we make them a bedding that they are going to need"
  61. Oh god "they get a special gown for when they first come together after making their vows" honey he might be coming but she is almost certainly not
  62. omg Paul's sister is so bitter
  63. bridal party shot feat everyone wearing their every day clothes bar Paul and Pearl
  64. Pearl looks so disinterested
  65. First line of Paul's vows "I promise to always put god first" um not your wife ok
  66. Pearl "I'm here because of gods love, I'm saved because of gods love, and I love you because of gods love" ugh she looks so upset
  67. They are hugging for the first time and Paul is SO BAD AT IT why are you grabbing her neck
  68. A CHILD IS DRIVING THEIR WEDDING CAR TO WHERE THEYRE GONNA FUCK
  69. "They go off, consummate the marriage, come back and have a meal"
  70. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO EAT UNTIL THEYRE BACK FROM FUCKING
  71. omg they've come on stage and everyone stands and applauds them
  72. Four months later, and Pearl is 18 weeks pregnant. We all saw that coming right.
  73. Their baby will be the third generation of both of their families born inside the community
  74. Where do you see yourselves in a years time. Paul: "hopefully in a year the lord will have come back and we'll all be in heaven. That would be great" WAT
  75. Is this judgmental? Idk