This isn't really my darkest moment, but it is an ongoing thing that makes me sad and that gets trapped in my mind anytime my depression resurfaces
  1. I guess to start this I have to mention that I was born with a congenital heart defect, my specific condition involves being born without a pulmonary valve in my heart
  2. It's never really been that big of a deal to me (other than a small contribution to my anxiety as a teenager), I was born with it so I don't really know any different
  3. I have two, giant, gnarly scars, one down the front of my chest from open heart surgery and a second that starts up by my shoulder blade and curves around and stops under my armpit
  4. I fucking love them. They are mine and prob two of my fav parts of my body.
  5. But like, my heart condition isn't really something I think about too often, unless I have a surgery or a cardiology appointment coming up
  6. Anyway,
  7. It was my 21st birthday party and the party was at my parents house and there was a giant marquee in the front yard
  8. And I was just leaving the bathroom when my brother, who was 18 at the time, comes up to me
  9. And he is crying
  10. So I drag him into his old bedroom and we are both sitting on the floor and he's still crying
  11. And I'm asking him to tell me what's goin on
  12. And he says that he walked into the kitchen
  13. And both of our parents were crying and holding each other
  14. I have only seen my dad cry once in twice in my life,
  15. Once, when my granddad's body was being wheeled out of his house,
  16. And the other when he was drunk and I asked him about his older brother who was killed.
  17. Karl said they enveloped him, still crying, and said how they never thought I would live to see 21
  18. And I was sitting there trying to comfort him and not fucking break down myself because holy shit
  19. My parents have never indicated in my life that they have been just waiting for the day when I inevitably die before them
  20. I had never really considered how fucking scary that must have been for them,
  21. Mum was helicoptered to greenlane hospital in Auckland (which is now called starship) where they specialise in emergency paediatric care
  22. Dad was out playing golf with his mates as a celebration of my birth
  23. My parents didn't even have enough money at the time for my dad to fly up to see me
  24. One of his friends payed for his flight up because they all thought I was going to die
  25. And that my dad wouldn't be there for my death
  26. Obviously I turned out okay cause it's almost 24 years later and I'm still here but.
  27. To think that my parents are still scared for me is terrifying
  28. That they still have this limited expectation for me
  29. Because I'm barely scared for me and I am an enormously selfish person
  30. And now it's this huge source of anxiety for me, this constant fear of how my parents will be,
  31. How my brothers will be
  32. When I do die.
  33. I didn't get a 21st key
  34. I had a guest book,
  35. And I can't even look at it now
  36. Because this is what my mum wrote
    2bcad55b eafc 4731 b84f 61d94817d6ed
  37. And it makes me cry every time