SEXUALITY OR WHATEVER

I'm a mess tonight I'm so sorry also what the fuck is this my diary?
  1. Idk I'm having this weird thing where I'm not really sure where I fit but also I have no interest in labels or adhering to this weird binary bs where it's like oh I'm this one or the other or the other or the other
  2. But I'm super confused and I can't understand what the fuck I want
  3. Like I keep having these five minute crushes where I'm mad crushing on someone and then suddenly it's like no jk actually they're just super cool and I'm excited to be their friend
  4. And I haven't had a real crush on a person in yeeeeaaaaarrrrrs to the point where I'm like is this a thing that just stops?
  5. Am I like not actually attracted to anyone? And not that asexuality isn't valid, I just definitely don't think that's it
  6. And like at some point I think I really want to have sex with somebody but like I know that shits gonna be a mess and I'm gonna freak the fuck out thanks trauma
  7. And like I'm into dudes but all these five min crushes lately have been on women and girls and like I've always been into girls but in this idk what this is kind of way
  8. And like I don't think I'm gay but I don't think I'm bi either and I definitely don't think I'm straight and I know it's a spectrum and I have no interest in a name for this shit I just want some clarity
  9. Like I don't even know!!!
  10. And I feel like I'm behind cause I'm 24 next week and I know blah blah behind nothing never dating anyone doesn't matter age means nothing time is an illusion but like I just want to understand myself?
  11. It's not even oh I'm a 24 y/o virgin because as I have said a billion fucking times VIRGINITY IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT and I'm not defined by what has or has not been inside of me because that's not it
  12. I'm just I'm getting older and I have no grasp at all on who I am or what I want
  13. And really I don't even think I want to date anyone i just want a crush or some shit so I can feel like I'm feeling again
  14. I don't feel like I'm feeling
  15. I want to be "normal" instead of this bullshit post rape nothingness it's been four fucking years can I not have some normalcy
  16. It's like I'm just numb still and I want this shit to end
    By end I mean my confusion, just so there's no confusion there