THE LAST PERSON I DATED

  1. It was September 2012 and I was 20
    Yes it is now March 2016 and no I have not dated anyone since then and yes I am mostly happy af being by myself
  2. We met at a 21st birthday party of a guy I grew up with, but hadn't seen in a couple of years
  3. My parents were there, along with a lot of their friends. I didn't really know anyone who was there and also my age
  4. He was sober, and I was, what could be considered, very drunk
  5. He seemed nice and he was kinda cute. He told me he played bass in a white blues band, and we had a short conversation where he took my number. My parents then decided that we should go home because it was 2am, so I said goodbye to him and then instantly fell over.
    He didn't call it a 'white blues band' but being that he was white I feel like I have to call it that
  6. He texted me the next day, and then every day that week. His texting game was not good, but I figured we didn't really know each other so maybe he was just bad at it cause of that?
    Basically he'd text me what he'd done that day without me asking, like it was super weird to me that he was bombarding me with all of this information and like a play-by-play of what he'd spent his day doing? Mostly I responded with "oh cool" and "sounds fun" (it didn't)
  7. I was drinking with one of my pals, Kate, that weekend and we went to town, and we bumped into him and he was sober so he drove us between clubs and would like stand by us while we danced
    Ok thinking back on this it was weird and annoying that he wouldn't dance, like I get that he was sober but like I'm not a good dancer at all and we were trying to have fun and he was sort of spoiling that by being boring?
  8. He drove us both home and I kissed him on the cheek I think and told him we should hang out the following night
  9. This was during the year I was supporting myself with three part time jobs, so didn't finish work until about 9pm every night of the week
    I was paying two lots of secondary tax so basically I was broke af and barely supporting myself even with three jobs
  10. It was a Sunday night, he picked me up at about 10pm and we went and played pool at a bar, and I won by A LOT. By this point I was realising that he was a little bit very boring, but it was late and he suggested going back his to watch a movie and I was like sure cause I felt like I wasn't really giving him much of a chance.
    By boring I mean we didn't have many mutual interests and that's a really hard thing to work with, especially when you don't know someone at all
  11. He lived about twenty minutes outside of Palmy, kind of on the way to Feilding, down some very dark country road. I think we watched BlackAdder? We talked for a bit, and then we made out for like ten minutes.
  12. So this kiss. It was bad, and it was ABSOLUTELY exacerbated by how depersonalised I was at the time. Like I was so disconnected from myself and from the kiss that I couldn't even will myself to close my eyes, he was literally kissing my mouth for ten minutes, I'm not sure I was even participating very much, if at all, and my eyes were wide open.
    My mental health was VERY bad throughout 2012 and especially 2013. I was depersonalised for about a year, my depression was exhausting and I was struggling with constant, crippling anxiety
  13. I think he put his hand on my thigh, and said something about moving to the bed and I sat up and said "oh actually would you mind driving me home? I forgot to feed my cat and my flatmates are useless." I do not own a cat.
  14. I don't remember anything at all about the drive home, I'm not sure if we even spoke at all. There is nothing in my mind where that memory should be.
    Again, I was very depersonalised and not seeking help. Do not recommend.
  15. He texted me the following night, just after I finished work, I texted him back, he responded, and then I cooked dinner, which took like half an hour max, and when I checked my phone I had THREE MORE MESSAGES from him NOT INCLUDING the initial first response to my response.
  16. OK SO THESE MESSAGES, LET ME TELL YOU
  17. 1. "Are you there?"
  18. 2. "Are we okay?"
  19. 3. "I'm sorry if I've said something that offended you, I hope you're okay."
  20. WE. Are WE okay. ARE WE OKAY.
  21. It had been ONE WEEK. We had met THREE TIMES.
  22. So I ran into my flatmates room and shouted these texts at her. And then I texted him back something like "Hey so you're real nice and everything but I'm not really feeling this on a dating level". We have all sent or received a message like that you know what I mean.
  23. And then I threw my phone at the wall
    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
  24. He texted back about twenty minutes later (I did not send him three texts in the meantime) and it said something like "that sucks, I really like you. Would you still want to be friends?"
    Ok we were never friends, so how could we still be friends
  25. I texted back "yeah sure."
    And to anyone who is baffled by my "yes", please keep in mind that the last time I said no to a man, it was as he was raping me.
  26. So cut to two days later and then three days later and then one day later and so on, because I am not fucking joking that is how often I was receiving "hey how are you?" and "hey I did this today" and "hey wanna go to a party with me" texts from him for about the next two months
    I responded maybe the first week and a half out of politeness
  27. And then I just stopped responding. This was back when I still had a Facebook account so I blocked him on that, I changed up my route to and from two of my jobs, I changed his number in my phone to "DON'T REPLY", and kept an eye out for his car every time I walked up my street.
    My reaction may seem extreme to you, but I disagree.
  28. About four months on from our initial meeting, Kate, who met him briefly when we went dancing, bumped into him at a petrol station and then later that day had a Facebook friend request from him.
    Which is weird AF!!! They met for literally one hour, four months ago, and had barely spoken.
  29. He sent her a private message, basic chit chat and she's nosy AF so she kept responding. The conversation turned to me, because hello they did not know each other, and also because obviously that's what he was after. He asked her if I mentioned him at all. And she responded "you could say that", waited til he'd seen it, and blocked him.
    She saw him at a petrol station AGAIN a couple weeks later and he still asked about me as well. By this point it had been about five months.
  30. Ok so my fave pub in town is this Irish pub down an alleyway and that's where my pals and I would hang out if we planned to go out and drink at a pub and not just on the couch at home. His band played there semi regularly, and I started avoiding the place so I wouldn't have to see him.
  31. Cut to December 2013. I have not had to concern myself with thoughts about him in more than six months by now. We are at the Celtic (we being myself, Jen, Nick and Nick's friend Dan), and I need to pee. I go inside to the bathroom and low and behold guess who is up on the stage, directly beside the bathroom door, playing bass.
  32. I do not make eye contact, I almost run through the door, and then stand in the bathroom in a mild panic for about a minute before I even remember why I'm in there. The instant I step back out, he, MID-SONG like literally still playing, says "hey how are you".
    The fuck!!! I mean first off, you should know by now that I don't want to talk to you, but also if I did THERE IS NO WAY WE COULD HAVE A CONVERSATION WHILE YOU ARE ON A STAGE PLAYING A SET
  33. I go back to our table outside and tell Jen that he's there and she ducks in to get a peek. The band keeps playing for about another 40 minutes.
  34. We are sitting outside, getting drunker, and then Jen leaves to go to the bathroom/reapply makeup for the next fifteen minutes (this is not a dig at her, this is just a personality trait. When she goes to the bathroom ANYWHERE, you can bet you won't see her for the next twenty minutes), and Nick has gone inside to buy another round of pints.
  35. It is just me and Dan, who I have literally just met for the first time about an hour ago, left sitting at our table. He (the He he not the Dan he) comes over and starts talking to me. IT IS AWKWARD AF. It's so obvious that I'm uncomfortable, except apparently he can't see it. I introduce him to Dan and say, "yeah this is my boyfriend, Dan".
  36. And without skipping a beat, Dan says, "hey mate," and extends his hand. He (He) then motions to sit down in Jen's available seat and I say, "oh actually my pal's gonna be back in a minute". And so he keeps talking until she comes back.
    Worth noting Dan is actually married with three kids.
  37. And then he sits down at the next table over from us and over the next hour, I keep feeling him look over at me every now and then.
    The whole time, me and Dan leaning over and murmuring stuff to each other that no one else could hear like, "you're a life saver", and "want a beer?" and doing like coupley smiles at each other. We were disgusting without ever actually flirting or touching each other.
  38. Then He left. And we kept talking about HOW FUCKING WEIRD HE WAS.
  39. That was the last interaction we had. Every couple of months I see him walking through the mall past my work and I duck into a cupboard, or pretend to busy myself. He has a girlfriend now.
  40. I feel like this is a perfect example of a weird, intense, sort of scary, "nice guy" situation with a man, where nothing actually violent or threatening really happened. He probably considered his interest in me to be normal and friendly, purely platonic, if not a bit hopeful that it might evolve into a romance.
  41. From my perspective, it was a man not accepting that I wasn't actually interested, and his persistence that just because I wasn't now, doesn't mean he had to stop trying.
  42. I remember telling my mum the day after the date that we had kissed and it was bad, and that I wasn't sure I really liked him at all. She told me to be nice to him and to let him down gently.
    My mum is an angel and I told her, "I'm not gonna be mean, I'm allowed to not like him." Because I am, despite his persistence.
  43. Because that's what we're taught as women. To be nice and polite and friendly and grateful. Because if we're not, who knows how he might react.
  44. This extends to the mentality of 'just go along with it even if it makes you uncomfortable'. Because being uncomfortable now might be better than the consequences of objecting in the long run.
  45. It's why sexual harassment in workplaces often goes unreported, because reporting or objecting could end badly for us.
  46. It's a reason why sexual assaults and rapes go unreported.
  47. I read a list yesterday that made me think of this, and how typically (cis white het) men's understanding of what is and is not harassment or sexual harassment, is not the same as what women consider it to be.