I FEEL WEIRD WHEN...

  1. I go for a hug good bye but the other person sticks out a hand for a shake.
  2. I step out of the shower onto a wet towel.
  3. I'm talking to someone and there's a pause.
    I smile and wait for them to start a new conversation because I've been asking all the questions. The person doesn't smile at me and stares at me like I'm farting but I can't hear myself doing so. I continue to smile, hoping I can win this battle of discomfort. I finally ask another question...
  4. I bite into the tinfoil of a Chipotle burrito.
  5. My friend says that I will love his friend, but when I meet him I don't.
  6. I think about my ex-girlfriend and what she's doing at this very moment.
  7. I pick the restaurant and it was supposed to be good, but it ends up sucking.
  8. People dislike movies that mean the world to me.
  9. People think my sarcasm is the truth, and I need to explain that I was joking.
    Of course I don't have three testicles! ... Or do I?
  10. My brother shoots me a judgmental look but never says why.
  11. I contemplate the universe and how nothing matters, which makes everything matter.
  12. My mom says she liked my script, but I can tell that she's lying.
    Let's work on that fake smile, mom!